


Love is a flower you’ve got to let grow

by i_dreamthedream



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Getting Back Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-09-16 16:25:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9279833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_dreamthedream/pseuds/i_dreamthedream
Summary: Alexander Hamilton and John were madly in love once. They were young, naïve and when Alex left him, John thought they would never see each other again.Eight years later John receives an invitation to the wedding of his ex-boyfriend, asking him to be one of the groomsmen. Against his better judgment, John accepts.What’s the worst thing that could happen?





	1. Prologue: Ivy (wedded-love, friendship, affection)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys :) 
> 
> So here's my new multichap that I have been working on! It's done so expect a chapter every Tuesday :) The love and support you've shown me since Dear John had been incredible and I'm so very grateful for each and every one of you <3 
> 
> Beware that I am not an expert on flower meaning, all I know comes from [ this website ](http://thelanguageofflowers.com/) and [ this Tumblr ](http://floraldictionary.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Title from a quote by John Lenon

The envelope arrived on a Thursday in September. The paper was thick, expensive. The words were written in an elegant cursive and John had seen enough of invitations of the kind when he was younger to know that this required an actual calligraphic artist and not just a nice font. But then again, only the best for the wedding of a Senator’s daughter.

_Senator of New York Philip Schuyler and his wife Catherine are very pleased to announce the wedding of their daughter Miss Elizabeth Schuyler with Mr. Alexander Hamilton_

The words were simple, uncomplicated and yet John had a hard time processing them. Alexander Hamilton was getting married. John stared at the invite for a long time, wondering what on Earth he was supposed to do now. He sighed. Part of him wanted to ignore this like he had ignored the dull pain in his chest for the last eight years. Besides, it had been almost a year since he and Alex were in the same room together. Surely this was only courtesy and nobody would miss him when he wouldn’t attend the ceremony.

Except when he double-checked the envelope, he found another piece of paper. This was scrambled in Alexander’s unmistakable and messy handwriting.

 _John,_ it said, _I know you and I never had the chance to properly reconnect since you got back from Europe. But I really want you to know that it would mean the world to me if you could come to the wedding. You know how highly I valued friendship and you and I were the closest friends once. If it’s not too much to ask of you, I’d like you to be one of my groomsmen? I know I might seem inappropriate but we were children then and we’ve both grown up since. Yours, Alex._

“Jesus!” John swore. This was even more messed up than he thought. What do you do when your high school flame invite you to his wedding _and_ ask you to be part of the wedding party? Well, part of him reasoned, it’s not like Alexander was wrong. They had been very close yes – although ‘friends’ was probably never appropriate to describe the two of them – but it was a lifetime ago. They were kids then yes and now they were eight years older and probably not very wiser. Still it wasn’t crazy for Alex to assume John had moved on. And he had, mostly. He spent four years in Europe, studying in London. He had made new friends there, had a few flings and even had a stable relationship. Francis was a kind man with sandy hair, green eyes and sweet dimples. But John had wanted to go back home and Francis wouldn’t leave and that had been it. He was no longer a kid, he a different person now. But a part of him would always be eighteen, madly in love with Alexander Hamilton and heartbroken.

He got up and fetched the wooden box hidden in his closet. He was perfectly aware of the irony of keeping it on a _closet_ of all places. Inside was his senior album from high school along with other _ex-votos_ of a long-dead relationship.

He was reminiscing memories from too long ago when Lafayette entered his apartment, Hercules on his tail.

“John!” he said. “What is going on? We were supposed to meet an hour ago at the restaurant!”

“What?” John asked dumbly. He checked his watch. It was almost two and shit they’d made plans for lunch that day. Wait, did that mean that John spend nearly three hours sitting at the coffee table since the fateful thing had arrived?

Hercules always so perceptive took one look at him and immediately knew something was up. He sat in the armchair in front of him.

“John?” he said in a gentle voice. “What is it?”

John wordlessly handed him the invite and the note. He felt exhausted and he knew if he spent another second thinking about it, he would get lost in his own head. It was a good thing he had those two. He’d met Hercules at one of the University club in London and the two had been fast friends. Herc had introduced him to Lafayette less than a month later at a party. The trio was inseparable, to the point that after graduation when John had talked about founding his own firm in social work and go back in the States, his friends had tagged along.

Lafayette loved the American way of life. He fitted in society effortlessly, charming his way in every situation and dancing through life always looking impeccable. Hercules had made it home in America too albeit in a less flamboyant manner. For John, coming back was like trying on an old sweatshirt and realized that it was even more suiting that you thought. Their organization had taken off and was going strongly, helping those who needed it in the hard streets of New York. Everything was doing fine, until John checked his mailbox.

“That’s your ex-boyfriend right? And he’s inviting you to his wedding?” Hercules asked, incredulous.

John nodded.

“Did you guys keep in touch? You didn’t mention him in England and only a few times since we got here…”

“It’s…” John started. _Complicated_ didn’t start to cover it. “We’re like… social media friends,” he said instead. “He likes my pictures on Instagram, I retweet his rants even though they’re sometimes too damn long and we’ve crossed paths a few times but not since last year.”

“Is that you and him?” Laf asked, gesturing at the album on John’s lap. John nodded again.

Laf took the book to look at the picture. It was Alex and him at Senior prom. John didn’t remember the theme, just that is was cheesy as hell. But he hadn’t cared that much, not when his more than one-year boyfriend, his first love, had so sweetly pinned a single carnation on the lapel of his tux. John had always loved the language of flower and Alexander knew it as he attached a symbol of pure love on him. The fact it was also a symbol of homosexuality had him whispered something in John’s ear that still made the man blush to this day. Neither of them was looking at the photographer on the picture. Alexander was leaning up on his tiptoes to kiss John’s cheek. John was leaning in, smiling broadly with shining eyes. His younger self looked so happy there, a kind of happiness and carelessness Hercules and Lafayette had never witnessed.

“He’s cute,” Laf commented, making John snorted.

“So what’s the problem?” Hercules asked him. Trust Hercules to not be distracted of the issue at hand.

“Nothing,” John answered a too quickly. “I was just surprised that’s all and then I went on an unnecessary trip to Memory Lane, it’s fine.”

Both his friends shot him an unimpressed look. “So will you do it?”

Well that was an entirely other story wasn’t it?

“I need to talk to him,” John decided. “I don’t know why he wants me there. So I’ll ask him and I’ll make a decision then.”

“Yeah, you do that,” Laf said but he still looked doubtful.

“Oh for fuck sake Laf!” John was starting to get exasperated. “What is it?”

“Are you still in love with him?” Laf was always blunt with that kind of stuff.

John considered it.

“No,” he answered firmly. “It’s just…” he took a deep breath. “As pathetic as it may sound, my longest and happiest and most serious relationship was in high school. So this feels weird but it’s nothing other than nostalgia.”

“But he broke your heart, didn’t he?” Hercules reminded him softly. “Be careful not to turn those memories into the fantasy of a perfect relationship that never existed.”

“I know what he did to me Herc,” John answered, a little bitter. “I don’t need to be reminded of it. And I can handle a phone conversation without breaking down thank you very much!”

“Just checking,” Herc replied, not seeming phased even a little. “We’ll get out of your air, give you privacy.” Laf seemed to strongly disagree with that but one look from Herc and he begrudgingly followed him out.

“Rain check on lunch?” he said on the threshold. He might as well have said, _I’m making you spill every detail of that conversation later, whether you like it or not!_

“Sure,” John smiled.

Once he was alone in his apartment, John forced himself to drink a glass of water to calm down. He fiddled with his phone for a second before muttering, “Damn it!”

He was a grown-ass man. He _could_ handle a phone conversation with a guy he used to date back in high school!

He pressed the call button before he could stop himself. It only rang twice before someone picked up.

“Hello?”

“Alexander, hi! It’s John Laurens,” John was very proud that his voice was even and steady.

“John!” Alex’s voice sounded surprised yet pleased. “It’s good to hear your voice! Why are you calling me? Not to be rude or anything but it’s been a while since we talked and… Oh! I’m so stupid you got the invite right? That’s why you’re calling?”

“Alex,” John rolled his eyes but his tone was fond. The other man had never learnt to stop talking. “Yes, I got the invite. Congratulations.”

“Oh, thank you,” his voice was warm on the other end.

“I just… hum,” John needed to come up with a way to say _why on Earth would you want your ex-boyfriend to whom you haven’t talked to in a year to be one of your groomsmen at your wedding?_ without sounding rude. Instead he settled for, “Are you sure you want me there?”

“Yeah John,” Alex replied with no hesitation in his voice. “I know it probably seems weird but with the exceptions of Eliza and Burr – that my college roommate, he’s my best man – you’re probably one the only person that actually know me so…”

John felt something warm filling his chest and suddenly he understood. Alex had never told anyone about his past before him, had never let himself be open and vulnerable with another person. _“You taught me how to love,”_ he’d said once. John also knew how frightened Alex was at letting people down, of disappointing them. He glanced down at the invite and it hit him that Alex’s parents were not mentioned. Of course not, John knew they were out of the picture. Suddenly he realized what Alex was actually asking: _“We’re family you and I, right?”_

_“Yeah Alex, you’re stuck with me now!”_

“When have I ever been able at saying no to you?” John intended to joke to hide the lump in his throat and he heard Alex chuckled.

“Thank you John. Truly.”

“You’re welcome,” John answered. He only needed to know one more thing before hanging up. “Alex, does your fiancée know? About… our history?” _Does she know just how much we loved each other?_

“Uh, yeah…” Alex admitted. “Yeah she knows everything.”

John nodded, momentarily forgetting that Alex couldn’t see him.

“Great,” he said. “I’ll see you soon then?”

“See you soon,” Alex said back. “And John?”

“Yeah?”

“Again, thank you. It means the world to me.”

John ended the call quickly, not really sure what he was supposed to answer to that. He checked the invite again and saw the wedding was next spring. He sighed. This was gonna be nine long months.


	2. Chapter 1: Nutmeg Geranium (expected meeting)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Alex reunite. The Schuyler sisters are the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, there you go new chapter! 
> 
> This one starts a few subplots that I will follow throughout the story, so sorry if it's not super plotty... 
> 
> I'm going on a one-week trip tomorrow so the next chapter won't be uploaded until next Thursday, sorry about that...

Alexander Hamilton knew he didn’t deserve the beautiful woman he was marrying. He was well aware of that fact and in the eventuality he’d forget, Angelica was there to remind him.

When he thought about Eliza, he thought about the rising sun on Nevis. It was warm and it was something that he’d see every morning and it would always give him hope. That was what Eliza had been for him since the moment they met. She had stood by him, held him, listened to him. When they met, he was a broken boy eager to prove himself to the world; he was young, scrappy and hungry. She had loved that boy and had made him want to be a man worthy of her. He wasn’t there yet, he knew. But he planned on spending the rest of his life trying.

He loved her so much, he would do anything for her. And if that included getting married in the Schuyler mansion in Albany with way too many people and spending way too much money on napkins, then be it! It was true that when Alexander proposed, he hadn’t given too much thought in what all the planning would entail. Turned out that when you’re marrying Philip Schuyler’s daughter, you can’t just have a quick ceremony with just the people closest to you. Especially after the big ‘Angelica and John Church got married without Philip Schuyler’s approval’ thing. Alex didn’t mind that much, he just didn’t have many people to invite anyway.

He was always too loud, too brash to have a real group of friends. Fortunately, he had found Burr and Eliza in Columbia. Granted, he wanted to kill his college roommate approximately half of the time but when they were getting along, they were actually good friends. And through his girlfriend, Alex had met the two other Schuyler sisters. He’d also invited his boss. It made sense since his relationship with Washington was the closest he ever had to having a father – though he would never admit it out loud, it was weird. He and his wife Martha loved having him and Eliza over for dinner. But that was about it.

Maybe that was why he had reached out to John, he reasoned. He and John had always shared _something,_ a bond he couldn’t quite define for a long time. With John, the word _family_ had started to make sense again. He knew he had screwed up, that he had wronged John in many ways and that asking him to be at the wedding was more than inappropriate of him. He had expected John to turn him down when he called, maybe insult him too – it’s not like he didn’t deserve it. Yet he hadn’t. Of course not, John had always been a better person than him.

Alexander wondered what it would be like to see each other again. Since John had come back from London, they had only met on a handful of occasions and each time they’d kept the conversation to mindless pleasantries. The last time they talked face to face was at a high school reunion. Alex didn’t like those and he almost didn’t go when Eliza canceled due to a work-related crisis. In the end he came, talked a bit to Madison and Jay, did his best to avoid Lee because the guy was probably still an asshole and had collapsed with John while doing so. It had been awkward, to say the least. The silence had lasted a moment too long and since Alex was never one to bear the silence, he had opened his mouth. John had watched him ramble about something he couldn’t remember – but he was sure all he said was very smart – and when he had stopped for air, John had just smiled, “Still going non-stop uh?”

Alex was about to answer when his phone rang. He wanted to ignore it but then he saw it was Washington calling and he only called on his personal phone in case of emergency. He excused himself and ended up taking a cab to the office to deal with his own professional crisis. The day after, he debated texting John to see if he’d like to properly reconnect but didn’t have the guts to do so. Turned out, when John Laurens was concerned, he was still a coward.

 

*

 

To say Peggy didn’t like the fancy parties she was forced to attend growing up wasn’t exactly true. She didn’t like to put on the expensive dresses like her sisters did – Angelica because she would have everyone wrapped around her fingers and Eliza because she loved feeling like a princess. Peggy never wanted to be a princess, she’d much rather be a pirate! Pirates had way more fun sailing in the seas than the princess locked in a tower, waiting for a prince. So she didn’t like wearing a cocktail dress and fake-smile to people she’d never met. The good thing was, she quickly discovered she could make those parties fun by wrecking havoc. At fourteen she had put extra Tabasco in the sauce and had watched with satisfaction the guests chocked on their _petits-fours._ She had once talked to a Governor like Yoda for a good ten minutes and the old guy never realized what she was doing. Her best work so far was the time the stupid wife of a Senator had left the house crying because of a fake spider in her hair. Each time her parents had looked at her, stern but not quite able to prevent their lips from twitching. She was totally aware that she’d only get away with it because she was the baby sister. But eh, she would be stupid not to use that.

That party was probably be as boring as usual. She could spot most of the politicians her dad invited each time and other lawyers and officials whose face she kinda knew. So another boring party and the worst part was, she couldn’t do anything about it. She had promised a pleading Eliza that she would not cause any trouble at her engagement party and Peggy didn’t break promise to her sisters.

So she was wandering around, navigating between her sister’s friend and her father’s relations. She was valiantly trying to fight all her pranking instincts when she spotted someone who seemed totally lost. He was young, slim with a mass of curls tied in a ponytail. He was wearing a dark jeans and a dress shirt that didn’t quite cover the ink on shoulder. He didn’t fit in, Peggy thought. And that was a good thing because neither did she.

She approached him quietly. He was trying to fake interest to what John Adams was saying and failing. Not that she could blame him, the guy was boring.

“Mister Adams!” she exclaimed with fake enthusiasm. “I just saw Henry Knox and he was asking about you, you should go talk to him!”

“Alright,” the other man grumbled.

“Thank you,” the curly man said once Adams was out of earshot. “I think I’d have had to fake a heart attack if he’d kept talking!”

“Well lucky for you,” Peggy smirked. “You just met the only person here who’s way more interesting than those idiotic politicians!”

The guy laughed. And damn, how had she not noticed his freckles before? He had them all over his face and his neck.

“I’m Peggy Schuyler,” she extended her hand.

“Nice to meet you!” He shook her hand. “So you’re the bride’s…?”

“Sister,” she answered. “And you are?”

“John Laurens,” he replied.

“Laurens? As in Senator Laurens’…?”

“Son,” he finished.

“Well I won’t do you the injure of judging you by your last name, I know better than anyone that you don’t chose the family you’re born in.”

“Thank you,” he smiled.

“Though I must admit, I’m surprised that you’re here. Don’t get me wrong you seem to be a nice person but I still don’t see how you got to the guest lists! Your father and mine don’t exactly see eye to eye.”

“Well I’m a friend of Alexander actually,” he said softly. “We’ve known each other since high school.”

“Oh you’re _that_ John!” she exclaimed. “Alex has talked about you!”

“Has he?” and the man looked almost scared at the thought. “Nothing too… uh, inappropriate I hope…”

“Nah,” Peggy answered. “Just that you’re one of his groomsmen even though you haven’t seen each other in a while.”

“Yeah,” John was looking at his feet, looking rather uncomfortable.

“Peggy will you stop harassing my guests please?” Said a voice behind her and she saw John jumped. “There are not many of those to begin with,” Alex smiled.

“Hi,” John breathed.

“Hello John,” Alexander smiled and Peggy had only seen him smile like that to the ones close to him, like Eliza, Washington and Burr once. “It’s good to see you again.”

“You too,” John replied quietly. Peggy could see the shadow of a blinding smile forming on his lips.

“I see you met my future sister-in-law,” Alexander continued. “Beware, there’re two more Schuyler girls in the nature!”

Just as he said that, Peggy saw her sisters coming their way with their arms linked.

“Speaking of the devils,” she smirked.

“Are you going to introduce us Alexander?” Angelica asked teasingly once they arrived at John’s level. “Or will I have to take matter into my own hands?”

Hamilton rolled his eyes. “John, this is the infamous and slightly terrifying Angelica Schuyler and the beautiful angel next to her is Eliza, my wife.”

“Oh are we married already?” Eliza asked, letting go of Angelica to be at her fiancé’s side.

“You know me, I’m impatient,” he said putting an arm around her shoulders and kissing her cheek softly. She beamed.

“It’s very nice to finally meet you John,” Eliza said.

“Likewise,” John replied. “Though I’m a little worried of what Alexander had told you about me,” he chuckled.

“Do you not trust my integrity Laurens?” Hamilton fake-gasped.

“Not when there’s an occasion for you to be the center of attention,” John smirked.

“Hum that does sound like you Alexander,” Angelica chipped in, smug.

Alex sent them both a glare. “If you keep going like that, I’m spilling Laurens,” he threatened.

John raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. “Whatever you have on me, I have way worse on you.”

“Is that so?”

“Two words Alexander: debate club,” John answered confidently.

Alex was about to replied but shut his mouth faster than Peggy had ever seen him do so. Something like panic crossed his face.

“ _Te odio,_ ” he pouted.

John just chuckled. _“_ _¡_ _No puedes!_ ”

“You got him to shut up,” Angelica commented. “I think you and me are going to be good friends John.”

“I second that,” Eliza said.

“Third,” Peggy chimed back in.

Alexander groaned. John grinned.

 

*

 

John was chatting with Eliza and the more he did, the more he understood why Alexander was in love in her. Hell he was halfway in love in her after a few minutes and he wasn’t even interested in women!

She was so kind, so bright. _She must be good for him,_ he mused. Alex wore his heart at his sleeve and though John had always admired him for that, many people had disagreed. They balanced each other while when the two of them were together, John was just adding fuel to Alexander’s burning passion.

Alexander was watching them interact from a few feet away, probably thinking he was being subtle. His eyes were soft when he looked at Eliza, his whole being relaxing. _Damn he really loves her, doesn’t he?_ John suddenly realized. It was a stupid realization to have. Of course Alexander was in love with her since he was marrying her! Still, he hadn’t seen him in love before – well not from the outside anyways and probably not as seriously. (Their relationship _had_ been serious, at least as serious as a high school relationship could be). And this was a new version of Alex too, not the scrappy teenager he used to know. He wondered what was left of that boy, of the boy he had loved unconditionally.

But as soon as he thought that, John forced himself to push those thoughts away. _He’s getting married, he’s moved on, you’ve moved on!_ No need to drag the past into this. They were both adults. They could be friends again.

John smiled at the lovely woman in front of him and found himself swearing to deities he wasn’t sure to believe in that he would never come in the way of her and Alexander’s happiness, no matter the consequences he’d have to face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feed me with comment and kudos and be safe, despite what's gonna happen by the end of the week... 
> 
> I love you <3 
> 
> Let's speak on [ Tumblr! ](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 2: Pink camellia (Longing for you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hercules knows things and Aaron is kinda lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> Thanks for the comments on the last chapters, you are all awesome. I'm sorry I couldn't update on Tuesday, I was still in DC. Speaking of which, I know that the orange duck is crazy and I know it's easy to lose hope. But please don't. I went to the March on Saturday and I was overwhelmed by all the love and all the determination to fight that I saw. You don't have to have faith in politics, you just need to have faith with each other <3 
> 
> With all my love...

October was hard on the East Cost this year, the temperature had dropped drastically causing clients to come into Hercules’ tailor shop for new coats. Mulligan had picked up his needles again and started knitting his traditional winter beanies and scarves way too early but Lafayette was adamant that the cold might just _kill him._ When he had suggested that his friend wore last year’s gifts until he got the time to work on the new ones, Laf had said that if he appeared in public with them two winters in a row he would _also_ die of embarrassment. Herc had almost replied that he might just kill him either way. But then Laf had looked at him with his big brown puppy eyes and suddenly all his anger and all his resolve had melted. One day, he’ll learn to say no to him but that would most likely not be this year.

And quite frankly, Lafayette demanding new clothes might be the only normal occurrence of the early winter. On top of the cold weather, Hercules was pretty sure John was going crazy. Granted the guy said he was fine and Hercules would believe him if not for two tiny details.

One, John was now spending time again with Alexander Hamilton. They claimed it was to discuss wedding stuff. That was bullshit if you asked Herc and for once Laf agreed with him. Don’t get him wrong he was sure nothing inappropriate or anything bad was happening. No the two men just enjoyed spending time together again. They were back to being close friends as if they hadn’t been apart for eight years. And again, that was fine. Alexander seemed to be a good man. He was nice and witty and had very strong opinions.

The problem was he was John’s type. No scratch that, he was John’s first love. He was the whole reason John had a type in the first place! And John might assure him that there was nothing there on either part, Hercules couldn’t help but worry about him. John was a great person and he deserved someone equally great, preferably someone who wasn’t _getting married!_

So that was the first thing. The second one was that John had gotten a dog. It was a little husky pup, with mismatched eyes – one deep blue, one bright green – that John had brought home after a purely spontaneous trip at the animal shelter. Then again, Hercules might be overanalyzing all this. John was never a planner, clearly, and he had always loved animals, yes. Still this unexpected adoption coupled with the fact that Alexander was getting married, it told Hercules that John was feeling lonely. More than he and Laf had suspected since they arrived in America.

The two friends discussed it and decided that John needed more human interactions. So they took him out for lunch, dinner or drinks. At some point, John invited Alexander. Part of Hercules wanted to hate the guy. He might not be the sole cause but he was partly responsible of John’s loneliness. Mulligan managed to hate him for approximately three minutes. Then Hamilton started to rant about the need for a better education system and a safer environment for LGBTQ+ people and ok, how was Herc supposed to hate him now? God why did he have to be likable? Alex tagged along all the time after that, winning Lafayette over by his ability to speak his mother tongue fluently.

Soon enough the four of them had become an item. They would hang out together at least once a week and when Laf and Herc each received an invitation to the wedding, nobody was surprised. Hercules offered to make the suits and dresses for the wedding party and Alexander had hugged him for longs minutes after that.

“I’ve never had a group of friends before,” the man confessed sheepishly when he finally let go of him.

“Well, you’ve got us now!”

“I promised I’ll make y’all proud!” Alexander exclaimed, looking like a schoolboy eager to prove himself to a teacher. “I won’t let you down!”

Hercules thought back to John and said, only half-joking: “Please don’t!”

 

*

 

One of the greatest mysteries of the modern world was how _on Earth_ was Alexander Hamilton Aaron Burr’s best friend. That just didn’t add up. The two couldn’t be more different and not the kind of ‘opposites attract’ different. Alexander was often described as a ‘loud-mouth bother,’ sometimes even by Aaron himself. The two irritated each other to no end. Once when they were living together in college, Eliza had to literally punish them so they would stop acting childish. Their clashes in their law class were stuff of legend, with at least one time when the teacher had to call campus security to separate them. They couldn’t even deny it, the video went viral on YouTube. There were two chemicals elements that reacted badly with one another. Rationally, they couldn’t be friends.

But like most things in history and even more when it came to Hamilton, rationality had nothing to do with it. Because despite all their differences and all the things they disagreed on, they would literally die for each other. Aaron would always remember the first time they opened up to each other. There was a thunderstorm, three months after the beginning of classes and Alexander had looked utterly terrified. Aaron had managed to calm him down and Alex had clutched his hands in his for the rest of the night. At the break of down, Aaron took him to a diner on campus and bought him breakfast. Without any prompt needed, Alex had spilled everything. The hurricane, his mother, the life on the island, his life in the foster system… For the first time Burr had realized that even though he talked way too much, Alexander Hamilton was actually very private. He was hiding behind his words while Burr hid behind his silence. For the first time, Aaron _understood._

That was probably why he came clean too. He told his roommate about his parents, his grandparents, about how he had outlived all of his family members and was now responsible of the legacy they left him. He confessed that the weight on his shoulders was heavy and that someday he thought it might crush him. Alexander had listened, attentive and without interrupting him once.

So their friendship wasn’t conventional by any means. They still disagreed and fought on almost every subject and more than once, Burr had had an almost irrepressible urge to punch Alexander in the face and sometimes even shoot him. Yet there were also times like the time when Alex tried to bake him brownies on the anniversary of his parents’ death even though he nearly set the building on fire, like when he had to dragged Alex out of the library two days before midterms or when Alex came back from his first date with Eliza with a dopey smile on his face. Aaron had liked her immediately while Alex had been literally love-struck. Alex had shown Aaron the golden brand months before actually proposing to her. Had made him swear he would be his best man but that he would leave out the brownies episode in his best man’s speech. Burr had rolled his eyes and assured Alex he would be his best man – he honestly would have been hurt if Alex hadn’t asked him – but had made no promise about the brownies.

In overall and even if he’d rather not admit it out loud, and especially not to him, Alexander Hamilton was his best friend and he loved him, well most of the time.

Except right now he was cursing and praying to every god he knew, wishing he had never met Alexander Hamilton. Because if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have been at the engagement party Eliza had insisted on, and _then_ he wouldn’t have met her.

She’d tapped his shoulder in the first minutes of the party and when he had turned around, she literally took his breath away.

She was tall, black skin with a blinding smile. Her curly hair was bouncing freely around her face and her chocolate eyes were gauging him with intelligence. Burr was not one to believe in love at first sight but he had quickly revised his judgment.

“Hi,” she’d said. “You’re the best man right?”

“Uh yeah,” he’d nodded awkwardly.

“I’m Theodosia Bartow,” she’d introduced herself. “I’m the wedding planner.”

“Ah.”

He had been surprised to know that there was a wedding planner. From what he had gathered, Eliza was doing a fine job on her own. Well he refrained to say that out loud and tried to get his mouth to say something interesting instead. Because the most gorgeous woman in the planet was in front of him and he wasn’t about to let her believe he was some kind of idiot with no more than five words in his vocabulary. Fortunately his brain had started working again and the two of them engaged in conversation.

And the more she’d talked, the more in deep Aaron was. Not only was she pretty, she also happened to be smart and funny. It had all seemed to good to be true and predictably, it was.

She was telling him a story about one of the worst bridezillas she’d met when he’d seen it. The diamond was very pretty, elegant, delicate like her and it was beautifully decorating her ring finger. Aaron wasn’t exactly surprised to realize she was taken, someone had to see just how wonderful she was if not everybody.

He kept telling himself that it was fine, that it was not like he was in love with her after seeing her once, that they probably won’t see each other again so everything was fine.

“What’s wrong with you Burr?” Hamilton asked when he steeped into his office. They used to share one before, when he first joined the firm. Washington had very soon learned _that_ lesson and kept a security distance between their offices since then. Which had never stopped Hamilton from barging in for no other reason than the fact he had a lot to say and needed someone to hear them. Sometimes he came literally fuming about something Burr had done and it was a good thing Aaron had four years experience rooming with the guy otherwise he would find that annoying.

Right now however, Alexander doesn’t seem to be looking for a fight or for an ear for his rant. In fact, Alexander was looking at him and he seemed quite concerned. Shit did he look that bad that Alexander Hamilton had _noticed?_

“What do you want Alexander? Is this about the Levi Weeks case?” he replied tiredly.

“Don’t try to change the subject Burr, I know you!” _Damn,_ usually work was the best way to distract Hamilton, but today he looked determined.

Burr sighed.

“Aaron,” Alexander prompted him gently. “You haven’t been yourself lately. You look sad.”

“I’m not sure what you want me to say Alexander,” he answered.

“You know I’m here for you,” he said. “That’s what you and I do, we’re here for each other.”

“I’m not sure this time Alex.”

“C’mon Aaron, you know you can trust me! I won’t judge you, I promise.” His voice was gentle. He was insisting but not pushing, Burr noticed. He would leave him alone if he asked him to. On the other hand, it’s not like he could talk to someone else about this. Family members were all dead and his list of friends was incredibly short.

“I met someone,” he finally grumbled. Maybe he could avoid saying that it was his very-not-available wedding planner.

“Really?” Alexander exclaimed gleefully. “But that’s awesome! Who is it? Do I know them?”

Burr hesitated for a fraction of second. That was a mistake.

“I do!” Hamilton looked like a kid on Christmas morning. “Come on! Spill, I wanna know everything!”

“There’s nothing to know,” Burr replied firmly. “Nothing happened and nothing’s gonna happen!”

“Why the hell not? Are they not interested?”

“She’s married,” Aaron replied, the word tasted sour in his mouth. “Or engaged at least.”

“Oh shit,” and Alexander looked sincerely sorry.

He stayed a little more, talking idly to diffuse the awkwardness and – he suspected too – to distract him.

That was the kind of stuff they did for each other. They didn’t watch games together, they didn’t play golf or – God forbid – talk about politics. Yet they were there for each other when it mattered.

When Alexander was on his way out, he hovered at his door for just a second. He turned back at him and said: “For the record, I think that if you love this woman you should go get her. Don’t throw away your shot!”

Alone again at his desk, Aaron pondered his options. He did not have Hamilton’s temperament, he didn’t rush into things and hope that everything would work out great. No, he decided. He would do what he had always done. If it was bound to happen, he was willing to wait for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for this week! 
> 
> Let's talk on the comment section or on [ Tumblr ](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/)! 
> 
> See you next Tuesday!


	4. Chapter 3: Moss (Maternal love, charity)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliza takes care of her sister and Alex asks for John's help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, lovely to see you all again! Thanks for your comments and here is the new chapter! :D 
> 
> I know the last scene is super cliché but well I had fun writing it so... sorry not sorry ^^

One of the things Eliza didn’t like about living in the city was that she didn’t have a garden anymore. She and Alexander lived in a spacious apartment in Manhattan with a balcony. She had a few plants that she cared for – Alex was _not_ allowed to go anywhere near them – and even a goldfish named Arthur.

Still, she grew up in a huge mansion in Albany with an equally huge domain attached. One Christmas when Peggy was five and Angie no older than seven, a set of swings with a wooden shed and a toboggan appeared overnight in front of the house. She and her sisters had spent countless hours playing there. Those were Eliza’s most precious memories of her childhood.

Every spring and until the last days of autumn, she would spend all her free time in the outdoor. She and her Mom had a vegetable garden that was theirs to look after.

She had loved gardening so much she had taken a few extract classes of botany in college to learn more about it. She also took an elective to learn about flower meaning because she was a nerd who was also a sucker for poetry and romance.

She had made it crystal clear to Theodosia that the flower arrangements of the wedding would be _hers_ to choose and _hers only._ Alex was mostly clueless about it anyway and he’d said he trusted her. She was excited to get married in the Schuyler estate. She loved that place with all her heart. She knew her fiancé thought that they made a bigger deal out of it than needed. Not that Alexander didn’t take their commitment seriously; it was just that he had never attended that kind of event, let alone had one for himself. She on the other hand had fantasized about getting married in her family house like her parents did since she was a little girl.

She would be the first one of her sisters to actually carry on with the family tradition. Peggy didn’t seem to be dating anyone at the moment and didn’t show any sign of wanting to either. As for Angelica, the situation was a little more… complicated.

Four years before Angelica had met a bright young man named John Church. He was tall, charming and had a spark behind his irises that perfectly matched the one in Angelica’s. The two had clicked instantly. Their relationship was strong, based on mutual respect, similar intellects and challenging banter. He was the love of Angie’s life, Eliza never doubted it and she, Peggy and Catherine loved him dearly.

Philip hated him.

No one really understood why – especially not the poor fellow. Ever since he’d met him, Church had done everything in his power to gain his father-in-law’s respect and approval. He had done everything right and more and yet it still wasn’t enough for Philip Schuyler. Angelica got tired of her father’s attitude about a year into the relationship.

Philip seriously underestimated his first-born’s will and determination because the couple came back from a three weeks holiday trip to the West Coast happily married. The walls of the Schuyler mansion still remembered vividly the screaming match that had followed. Angelica had been clear: if her father had a problem with her marriage, he could either suck it up or watch her leave. Catherine had settled down the discussion, raising her voice for the first time in years: “Oh my God, _enough!_ ” and that had been it.

Clearly John Church still didn’t have Senator Schuyler’s favors yet but at least the man refrained from saying anything murderous with his wife around.

“I still feel bad that you couldn’t get married there,” Eliza told her big sister one night. They were drinking tea in Angelica’s apartment. It was a late Sunday afternoon. John was doing his usual weekly jogging in Central Park so it was just the two of them.

“Don’t be,” Angelica replied. “I’m not!”

“Ange,” Eliza started patiently. “Don’t lie to me, I know you’re upset about it.”

That was true. She knew her sister and for the past weeks, she’d seen her look at the wedding related preparations with a somber expression.

“It’s not…” Angie sighed. “It’s not that, not exactly. I’m really happy for you ‘Liza!”

“I know,” Eliza smiled. For all the people that claimed she was a Saint, none of them seemed to realize just how selfless Angelica Schuyler was when it came to her sisters. “What is it then?”

Angelica didn’t seem to want to talk about it. Well that was too bad because Eliza wouldn’t let it go. Her big sister was upset.

“I… I had a pregnancy scare a few weeks ago,” Angelica finally admitted.

“ _What?!_ ” Eliza shrieked.

Angie nodded slowly, avoiding her eyes.

“You should have told me! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Don’t make a big deal out of it,” Angelica answered. “I was just late, which almost never happens so I took a test and it was negative. End of the story.”

“It’s not if you’re talking about it now,” Eliza said. “Does John know?”

“Hum, yeah he does.” Good, Eliza thought. Angelica would never admit to her family when she needed help, even though she was always there for them. Her husband might be the only person on the planet with whom she let herself be vulnerable.

“It kinda led to a big discussion about future and stuff,” she muttered.

“Are you and John planning to have kids?” Eliza couldn’t contain her grin.

“Not immediately,” Angie replied. “We both want to start a family but we’re gonna wait a few years first, we like where we are now…”

Eliza nodded. “So what’s the problem?”

“Nothing! Can we please change the subject?”

“No,” Eliza said firmly. “You started, might as well finish because you know you’ll tell me sooner or later!”

Her sister sighed loudly.

“It’s stupid,” she said. “But since we had that talk I kept wondering about what Dad will think if I was to tell him that I was pregnant. Like he still hates John and…”

“He doesn’t hate him Ange!” Eliza interrupted. Her sister shot her a skeptic look.

“Well he doesn’t _like_ him either. And I guess there’s a part of me that wonders, _if he can’t make an effort for my husband will he make one for my child?_ I mean it would be John’s kid and we’re both adults and we don’t need his validation. But I swear to God if I have to explain to my kid why their own grandfather is mean to them I’ll…”

Whatever she would do was left out by her sister hugging her tight. Angelica hugged her back, relieved to finally share her fears with somebody. She couldn’t tell her husband, he felt guilty enough to be deemed unworthy of Philip Schuyler’s daughter. She put her head on Eliza’s shoulder, her long dark hair tickling her nose. She smelled like jasmine and honey, a smell Angelica had always associated with _home_ and _safe._ She was damn lucky to have Eliza.

“You’re gonna be a great mother,” her sister whispered in her ear. “And if Dad only tries to be disrespectful to your child, Mom, Peggy and me will be out of his life in a second!”

Angelica didn’t know what to answer. She didn’t have to, however because at that moment her husband walked through the front door, in his running clothes and sweaty.

Church immediately noticed the tears at the corners of her eyes that she was desperately fighting.

“Hey,” he said quietly. “Do you want me to leave you two alone or…?”

Angelica shook her head and John crossed the room in an instant and joined them on the couch. He wrapped his arms around his wife’s waist while Eliza discreetly went to the kitchen to give them some privacy.

They didn’t talk, Angelica was not in the mood to confess her fears a second time today and John sensed it. So he just stayed there, holding her until he felt her breathing evening out and her shoulders relaxing slightly. He pressed a small kiss in her neck.

“You stink,” she grumbled. “Go take a damn shower!”

John grinned and left the room. Angelica watched him, feeling lighter than she had in weeks. From the kitchen, Eliza was smiling too.

_As long as I have those two in my life,_ she thought, _I’ll be just fine._

 

*

 

Alexander was not a patient man. That was partially why he hadn’t wanted a big wedding: because those not only cost money he didn’t have, needed to be planned out. That was why he was very glad to let Eliza organize everything, he’d do a crappy job anyway and all eyes would be on her after all.

Still he felt bad about it even though knew that they both agreed on it. It was his very own _wedding!_ He could not wait around for the next seven months, put on a tux and just show up. There must have been at least a few tasks where he could be useful.

When he said so to Eliza, she smirked: “I know exactly what you can do for me!”

So that was how he found himself in Burr’s office, begging.

“C’mon Burr just come with me, there’s no way I’m spending the entire afternoon tasting cakes on my own!”

“I’m sorry Alexander,” he replied, sounding anything but. “I have work to do, actual work!”

The guy was smirking. He was enjoying this way too much in Alex’s opinion. That wasn’t fair!

“Please, you know I know nothing about this stuff! Theo texted me the address of the bakery and it’s fancy as _fuck!_ I’m gonna be useless!”

“Theo?” Aaron repeated. Any other times, Alexander would have picked up on the blank tone of Aaron’s voice but right then, he was too panicked to notice.

“Theodosia, our wedding planner,” he replied hastily. “Please, please, please!” He tried to do his best puppy eyes but he was probably not as cute as Peggy. He needed to ask her how she pulled these off, that could come in handy.

“No!” Burr said firmly. For a second, Alexander thought he saw something in his face but the emotion was almost instantly replaced by Burr’s usual neutral mask.

Pouting, Hamilton exited the office and wondered who would come to his rescue when his phone beeped.

_Are we still meeting w/ Herc and Laf later?_ said John’s text. Alex beamed. It was fate, it must have been.

_Sure,_ he replied. _Are you free until then?_

_Yeah why?_

Oh this was going to be fun!

 

*

 

When he arrived at the bakery a little after three in the afternoon, John had no idea of what he had gotten himself into. The baker showed him to the back room where he found Alex with a woman he didn’t know. The two were surrounded by what seemed like hundreds of cake samples. The woman was most likely explaining something and Alex looked utterly lost. John bit back a chuckle. Of course the guy who could complete an undergrad program in an Ivy League university in two years looked like choosing a wedding cake was his hardest challenge so far!

The woman noticed him and smiled, “Hi!” she said. “You must be John!”

He nodded and shook the hand she had extended.

“Please to meet you,” she said. “I’m the wedding planner. My name is Theodosia.”

“Nice to meet you too,” he smiled. When they turned back too Alex who was still looking slightly terrified.

“John?” he whispered loud enough for them both to hear him.

“Yeah?”

_“_ _¡_ _Ayúdame!”_

John burst out laughing and the glare he received from Alex did nothing to help that. Theo raised an eyebrow at them talking in Spanish and John just shrugged.

“Ok buddy,” he replied once he had calmed down a little. _“_ _Si, te ayudo.”_

It took a lot of coaxing to get Alex to stop pouting and actually tried some of the cakes. Theo made them go by elimination first. Alex ruled out everything with ingredients he couldn’t pronounce, all the stuff with more than three layers of toping and anything with almond because Eliza was allergic. Yeah better not kill the bride when you’re feeding her with her wedding cake, John supposed.

John lost count of how many desserts they tried that afternoon. They had fun though, laughing at the weird names of the cakes and making faces after each spoonful. At some point, Theodosia left them alone to make phone calls.

John wasn’t sure which one of them started the food fight – Alex of course it was Alex! – but there he was, in the back room of a fancy bakery in Brooklyn with his face covered in whipped cream with Alexander Hamilton.

Alex was doing his crunchy nose thing he used to do in high school. He had a goofy expression on his face. He licked his lips and John’s eyes darted down and follow the movement.

Suddenly he turned around, his face feeling hot all over. What was happening? _Nothing!_ He told himself firmly. That was just some old reflex that he needed to get rid of. That was all it was, an old reflex. Nothing to worry about and especially not residual feelings for Alex. He couldn’t have feelings for Alex because Alex was getting married to the love of his life, a very sweet and beautiful woman that John just happened to genuinely like.

Besides, John had made a promise to himself. He would do a great job as a groomsman, he would be there for them and would not let anything come in their way.

So he took a deep breath, said something snarky about Alex _acting_ like a child when he was already _looking_ like one and sent a text to Laf to tell him to meet them early.

Everything was fine. Everything was under control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll see you next Tuesday! I might post something this week so be on the look out! :D 
> 
> In the meantime, let's talk on [ Tumblr! ](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Lots of love <3


	5. Chapter 4: Cypress (Death, mourning)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laf takes care of his friends and John has a revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy! Good to see you again! 
> 
> Thanks for your lovely comments and for the fact that this story has now more than 500 hits! You are the best! <3 
> 
> This new chapter is heavy without being too sad. I'm not sure if any TW apply, so just know that the death of John's mom is discussed. I didn't want to make Henry Laurens a bad guy here (and it's far more difficult to make him nice than making him an asshole!) so be warned! ;)

Lafayette loved Saturday afternoons. Saturday afternoons were important. When John, Hercules and he first met, they had established a tradition for Saturday afternoons. Those were dedicated to binge-watching stupid shows – first streaming on their laptop and now on Netflix –, eating chocolate and gossips. That hasn’t changed in almost five years and changing continent had only meant that the tea had turned into hot chocolate because American attempts at British tea were awful!

They were at Laf’s place watching _Doctor Who_ – yes again, no there were no such things as ‘too much of the Doctor’ thank you very much! – all three covered in the patchwork blanket that Hercules had made them on their last Christmas in Europe. They were watching the third season and arguing about Martha and the Doctor’s relationship. Well he and Hercules were. John had been uncharacteristically quiet for the last fifteen minutes. Lafayette frowned. His friend had been acting weird lately, like he was holding back.

When John disposed of his mug in the kitchen, Lafayette followed him silently.

“Is there something you wish to share with me John?” he asked.

“Jesus!” John jumped. “Warn a guy will you?”

“If I had warned you, you would have made an excuse,” Laf replied sternly. “I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong, you know?”

“I’m fine!” John said with the same tone he had in the past months, meaning he was anything but. “I’m just tired, it’s all… You may not have noticed but work have been a little crazy lately!”

It was true. The work they did was always harsher on winter. It was the beginning of December and New York was freezing. Herc needed to make more warm clothes for the homeless, John and Laf needed to find more emergency placements than available so that a family wouldn’t spend the night on the streets. They worked late hours, sometimes even all night.

“That’s still an excuse,” Laf said softly. “It’s not our first winter doing this, it’s not the craziest work has been and yet I’ve never seen you like this… I’m just worried and Hercules is too…”

“I know,” John sighed. “I know you mean well but I swear there’s nothing to tell. If there was, I’d tell you guys I promise!”

Laf raised an eyebrow. He’d known John Laurens for years and the guy was always very private, almost secretive. The most he’d learnt about his past was during the past few months, since they’d met Alexander. Lafayette wasn’t stupid. He knew that seeing Alexander again did _something_ to John. Nobody could be stoic watching someone you used to be in love with getting married. Especially if you were supposed to attend that wedding unaccompanied. Laf just wished that John would _talk_ to them about it. He didn’t think that John was still in love with Alex necessarily. But he hadn’t seen the guy being serious about someone since Francis and that was more than four years before.

“Are you lonely?” Lafayette asked, making his cutest puppy eyes.

“Laf,” John groaned. Laf just stared at him, blinking slowly. “Maybe a little,” John finally admitted. “This has nothing to do with you ok?” he added quickly before Lafayette could say something. “I have kind of a winter blues every year and this year it’s been harder than usual, I don’t know why…”

“Yes John,” Laf responded. “You know exactly why…”

John pouted. “Yeah well, I don’t wanna talk about it!” Of course not, Lord forbid John Laurens would want to talk about something important, let alone his own feelings. Well there was only one cure Lafayette could think of: “You need to get laid!”

John snorted.

“Well you do!” Laf insisted. “Go out, get drunk, blow off some steam! _Have fun!_ ”

John kept staring at him, unconvinced.

“That’s it!” Lafayette announced with finality, loud enough for Hercules to hear them in the living room. “We’re going out next week and that wasn’t a suggestion!” he added in case that wasn’t already clear.

“Sure,” Hercules shrugged, still not moving from the couch.

“Ok fine,” John reluctantly agreed.

 

*

 

December 23rd was not a good day for John. It was a dark day. When he was twelve, Henry Laurens had woken him on that day to tell him that his Mom hadn’t survived the night. To this day, John still remembered vividly that moment when the world stopped. The sharp clarity of the original pain was a great contrast to the blurriness of the following days.

John had taken care of his siblings, had hold them while tons of strangers filled his house, offering condolences. When the funeral people brought in Eleanor’s body, his brothers had screamed. John had stood there, frozen in front of the coffin. He hadn’t been able to detach his eyes from the lifeless body that used to be his mother. It was the first time since his father had told him that he actually realized that he would never hear his Mom’s voice again, never see her smile again, never smell her perfume. When he kissed her forehead, her skin was icy and she smelt like death.

Try as he might, John would never forget the year his family had to spend Christmas with their mother’s corpse in the living room. But most of the time he was able to put those memories at the back of his mind, except on the 23rd of December.

For the last eight years he had managed to be alone on that day. Lafayette and Hercules never knew he was avoiding them. He always pretended to be doing last minute Christmas shopping and they never suspected a thing. It was not like he spend the day moping or crying exactly. He just wanted one day in the year when he could think about her as much as he wanted and if that led to a few tears, he wanted to be alone. This year was not supposed to be different.

He woke up early, not able to get more that a couple hours of sleep in one go. He was restless. He didn’t bother with a shower, just put on his comfiest and softest hoodie before opening his copy of _Le Petit Prince._ His Mom used to read it to him when he was a kid. He never knew why a French book when she was a proud Porto Rican. But that novel and the smell of coconut were the two things he would always associate with her. His dog snuggled next to him on the couch. It wasn’t an adult just yet but it still had gotten significantly bigger since he got it. At first he had tried to set up clear rules like not sleeping with him on the bed or stay out of the couch. Those rules had lasted approximately two hours.

A little before lunch he had finished the book and was just staring into nothingness, reminiscing when he heard a soft knock at the door. Startled he went to get it even though he really didn’t want to see anybody. His dog trailed next to him, way more excited than he was. Fortunately he had been firm on the no-barking rule.

“Alexander?” he said as he opened the door.

“Good morning John,” the other man said softly.

“What are you doing here?”

“I know what today is John,” he replied, his voice still so very gentle. “I haven’t forgotten.”

“Oh.”

Of course he hadn’t. God forbid Alexander Hamilton would forget something like that. John remembered when he’d confess why he didn’t like to celebrate Christmas to a boy that wasn’t his boyfriend yet. Alex hadn’t said _I’m sorry_ like John expected. Instead he’d said _My mother died too,_ and offered to invite him over on the 23 rd. John had refused at first, knowing he would be bad company. Then on that day the air was so heavy in his house that he had to get out. Alex had let him in, hadn’t asked questions and just spent the day with him in his room. The next two years, they spent the day in Alexander’s bed. His boyfriend held him all day long, combing his fingers through John’s curls, telling him he loved him in every language he knew. God John didn’t want to dig into those memories now.

“If you want me to go I understand,” Alexander spoke again. “I just thought that you deserved at least the choice of being with someone who knows…” _Someone who knows about the date or someone who knows what it’s like to lose your Mom?_ John wondered.

Alexander did know either way.

John let him in.

The husky went to sniff him immediately.

“Hey there,” Alex smiled and scratched the spot behind his ears. “What’s your name?”

“Marvin,” John answered, closing the door.

Alexander giggled. “You named your dog after a depressed robot from your favorite sci-fi books?”

“An highly intelligent depressed robot!” John corrected.

“Nerd!”

John shrugged, no need to deny the truth.

“You know,” Alexander added after a bit, “our goldfish is named Arthur…”

John burst out laughing. Only Alex would actually be able to make him laugh on that day.

They sat on both ends of the couch, Marvin happily settling in the space between them and promptly falling asleep. Alex took the remote control and put on _Star Wars_ from his Netflix queue _._

“You hate those movies,” John pointed out.

“You love them,” Alex replied.

At the end of the first movie Alex ordered way too many Chinese food on his phone and when the delivery guy arrived, he went to get it and – if John knew him – gave him a generous tip.

“You don’t have to do this,” John whispered when he came back.

“Do you want to eat here or on the table like civilized adults?” Alex ignored him.

“Give me those noodles!”

They ate in silence, watching the second movie. Well John was watching, Alex had stopped pretending he was and was focused on his phone instead. John smiled. They hadn’t done that in eight years yet it all felt familiar. Of course things had changed since the last time they watched the trilogy together. First Alexander had grown facial hair, which was something that had surprised John the first time he’d seen him again. His clothes were also fancier that the old jeans with holes in them he always wore at sixteen. And of course, he wouldn’t interrupt the movie to make out anymore. Instead of cuddling and kissing, they now seemed to be very far away with John’s dog snoring between them.

When the credits started to roll Alexander turned toward him, chewing on his lower lips.

“Can I talk to you about something?” he asked, almost shyly.

John nodded and sat straighter on the couch. They were now facing each other with Marvin still sound asleep in the middle.

“Ever since we’ve… Well since I invited you to the wedding we haven’t really talked about… what happened…” he made a vague gesture between them.

“Do we have to?” John asked, feeling just as uncomfortable as Alexander looked.

“We don’t _have to,_ ” Alex replied, despite the fact that he was visibly embarrassed. “But we could. If you want to…”

“Do _you_ wanna talk about it?” Why else would he bring that up?

Alexander looked down at his fidgeting hands. John recognized the expression on his face. Shame. “I feel like I did all the talking last time,” he grumbled.

Well that was true. John hadn’t really had a say in their breakup. He’d sat on his bed, stunned as Alexander explained how they were going to college very soon and that he needed to be brilliant and could not afford any _distractions._

All those years later, that still stung.

“I’m not sure of what you want me to say,” he admitted.

“Me neither,” Alex shrugged. “Yell at me? Hit me? Why on Earth didn’t you do that in the first place?”

“I think I was too crushed,” John answered. If they were actually going to have that conversation, he might as well be honest. “Of all the possible reasons for us to break up, I really hadn’t thought of that one.” Maintaining eye contact was difficult but he did it anyway. Maybe it was finally time to get clean. “And you seemed to be handling it so well!”

Alexander snorted. “How can you think I was?”

“Well it’s not like you wasted your time before hooking up with Maria…” John felt bad about bringing that up. What was it supposed to accomplish? More than that, he hated that he still sounded jealous and bitter all this time later.

“That wasn’t me handling it well,” Alexander scoffed. “That was me trying to get over you and probably unconsciously looking to get punched by Reynolds!”

“That punch had felt very good,” John chuckled. “But I don’t understand, the breakup was _your idea!_ Why did you need to get over me?”

“Because I was stupidly in love with you! I knew that I had made a mistake the second I walked through the door. But I was too proud to admit it so I did stupid things because I was a little shit!”

“Well it’s not like you’re taller now…” John commented.

Alex sent him a flat look and he chuckled.

“Anyway we were both supposed to go to the East Cost so I figured I would find a way to make it up to you, be your friend again at least but then you _fucking left the country!_ ”

Alexander’s eyes were on fire. Somewhere at the back of John’s mind alarms were blaring but John chose to focus on the man in front of him. Alex looked vulnerable in a way John knew he didn’t let a lot of people see.

“Did you… did you hate me that much that you couldn’t stand to be on the same country? On the same continent?”

“No,” John shook his head. “That wasn’t that. Or it was at first… It’s complicated…”

“What was it?”

John took a deep breath. “When we broke up I asked my Dad if the spot his buddy ‘saved’ for me at Oxford was still available, I wanted to get away. And yeah I wanted to be sure I wouldn’t run into you. My Dad said that it was. I thought he would be ecstatic to see me go and wouldn’t ask questions but I was wrong. He asked why I changed my mind and I said that we had broken up.”

“I bet he was thrilled by _that!”_

“Not as much as I’d thought,” John admitted. “Anyway he asked me if I was alright, if I wanted to talk about it…”

“Wait, _what?!”_ Alex interrupted him again.

“Yeah I was shocked too. We had never like… addressed the fact that a member of the Republican Party was raising a gay son until that moment. Hell I’m not even sure I’d properly come out to him at that point! I’d just said that you were my boyfriend and then that you were no longer. So he asked if I was running away and well… I was. That’s when it got even weirder. He said I couldn’t go…”

_“Seriously?!”_

“Hum…” John nodded. “He said that going away wouldn’t help getting over you, that it was cowardice. Even so, he said that there would always be a song, a smell, _something_ to remind me of you… Said that still happened to him everyday…”

“John you don’t have to tell me…” Alexander started but John wasn’t sure he could stop. He wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to stop. He had never told anyone about this, not even his siblings. Talking about it was more therapeutic than he thought.

“We had an heart-to-heart, talked about Mom, ‘bout our memories of her for hours… He said she’d be proud of me… He said he didn’t care if I was gay, didn’t care what my political views were, only cared if I was the boy they raised to be a good person…”

“Wow…” Alex breathed. “I never respected your father that much…”

John let out a wet laugh – shit was he crying? – and wiped out his eyes.

“So why did you leave anyway?” Alex asked gently.

“I thought about it for a few days and then I realized that I really wanted to. It was a great university, a great opportunity… And…” he added, looking down. “I think I also needed to know who I was when I wasn’t your boyfriend. We’ve spent almost two years glued to each other, you were every part of me… I needed to figure out who I was without you…”

Alex nodded. He had a sad smile on his face that John couldn’t read. They stayed in silence for some time. John wasn’t sure what else he could say. Eventually Alex spoke up again: “I’m really sorry I hurt you John. And I’m really glad that I have another shot at being your friend. It’s more than I deserve.”

“Shut up,” John answered. He was feeling way too many emotions right now. They needed to stop talking about that. “Don’t act like a martyr, that doesn’t suit you!”

Alex rolled his eyes.

“I should call my Dad,” John said. “I know today was hard on him too.”

Alex nodded. It was the first time he didn’t seem ready to start a fight at the mention of Henry Laurens. Look at that, miracles did happen!

At the door, Alex hesitated for a second before wrapping his arms around John. John hugged him back, burying his nose in Alex’s hair. He still smelt like mint and chocolate and John’s brain immediately thought of _‘home’._ The alarms in his head were now deafening and John really shouldn’t have ignored them earlier.

“Goodbye John,” Alex murmured when he pulled back. “And Merry Christmas.”

_“_ _Feliz Navidad!”_

Alex closed the door and John exhaled a long sigh. Now that he was finally hearing them, he really wanted those alarms to shut up. He wanted them to be wrong. But it was too late.

Eight years later and he was still utterly, completely, irrevocably in love with Alexander Hamilton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who aren't obsessed by Douglas Adams, Marvin is a highly intelligent robot who is bored by humans and other life-forms because they're dumb. Arthur is a poor fellow from England who didn't ask for any of this to happen and who travels with him. I know how it sounds but trust me, you'll fall in love with that trilogy of five books, Alex did after John threatened to break up with him if he didn't give it a try... 
> 
> As always, [ Tumblr ](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/) is here! 
> 
> Also if you like what I write, consider reading [ this ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9543764/) other Lams fic about the amazing city of Mexico! 
> 
> I'll see you next week! <3


	6. Chapter 5: White Chrysanthemum (Truth)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy confides in Alex and Hercules gets a job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK guys, first of all thank you for all your amazing responses of the last chapter. It's incredible to see all the love for poor John and that's why I'm begging you not to hate me because the next few chapters won't be a picnic for the poor boy... 
> 
> This one is kind of a filler, the action will be next week but in any case, enjoy <3

The holidays were always joyful at the Schuyler mansion and that year was no different. Peggy loved watching her Mom going over the top with the decorations, Eliza drinking too much eggnog and getting tipsy and Angie pestering her about one thing or another.

Yet this year it had felt different.

She thought it was because now she could admit it to herself when before she had still been figuring it out. She had the answer now. She knew why some stuff were always uncomfortable, why some questions were dreaded, why some words made her cringed. They said admitting it to yourself is the first step.

Logically the next step would be to tell others. Yeah that was where things became a little complicated. Even saying the words out loud was difficult. Saying it would make it real and the consequences that entailed were scary even though she knew she lived in a pretty safe environment. But it was one thing to be okay with an idea and to be directly confronted to it.

That’s probably the reason she came out to Alex first. Clearly having a problem with her would be hypocritical at best but let’s face it actually pretty shitty. Then again she mostly knew that Alexander had _theoretically_ no problem with it. Still.

She dropped by at his and Eliza’s apartment in the last days of January when she knew he would be alone there. He didn’t seem surprised to see her. Then again, it wasn’t unusual for them to hang out together. They were quite close. That made sense since he and Eliza had been dating for five years and during that time, she had always confided in him. So she let him make them coffee while she sat on the couch, fidgeting. He didn’t ask what was wrong. He knew by now she would talk eventually. So he just picked up his case files from his desk and sat next to her in the living with CNN on mute.

Peggy sipped her coffee carefully. Alex had a tendency to make it way too strong for regular human beings. Halfway through her mug she finally talked:

“When did you know you were bi?”

Alex blinked several times. He hadn’t expected that. Sensing they wouldn’t be doing small talk today, he put away the files and turned toward her.

“Hum, I guess I had suspicions that I wasn’t straight since around thirteen but I didn’t know for sure until I was fifteen.”

“How did you know for sure?” Peggy pressed.

“I… met John…” Alex said.

“ _What?”_ Peggy shrieked. “You and John used to…?”

“Date?” Alexander finished. “Yeah, we were together for two years in high school. Eliza knows before you ask.”

Peggy nodded, processing it all. That was more information that she thought she would get. Well looking back to the stories they told about high school, it made sense that the two were more than friends back then. And the look in John’s eyes when they celebrated Alexander’s birthday a few weeks before was suddenly seen under a whole new light. She hadn’t understood the longing but she did now. Poor John, it couldn’t be easy to be the spectator of the happiness of someone you used to love dearly.

The thing was, she was too shocked by this revelation to even realize what she said next:

“I’m pretty sure I’m a lesbian!”

“Ok,” Alex answered calmly. Peggy was looking at him, panic evident in her eyes. “Am I the first person you told?”

Peggy nodded again, eyes still wide. Alex enveloped her into a hug and she held onto him very tight, feeling the tension and the fear she had accumulated in the last weeks finally leaving her bones and suddenly she was crying and she was exhausted. Alex was rocking her like a baby and on any other circumstances she would be offended – she hated being the baby sister – but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“Thank you for telling me,” he said softly. “I won’t say a word to anybody if you’re uncomfortable with it and I’m always here if you need to talk ok?”

“Ok,” she mumbled in his shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

 

*

 

Tailoring the dresses and suits for the wedding was a picnic for Hercules as well as a nice distraction from the rest of his work. It’s not that he didn’t like his job, not at all. He loved providing clothes for those in need but that wasn’t really the place to get creative. This time, Eliza and Theo hadn’t given him any price limit or any weird instruction – just to make the dress breathable and not too puffy. Hercules could work this that.

He’d met with Theo to talk about the wedding color scheme so he could work accordingly. Then he’d sketched three projects with a wedding dress, bridesmaids’ dresses and suits for the groom and groomsmen for each of them.

“I may have gotten a bit carried away,” he admitted sheepishly when he showed them to Eliza, Alexander and Theodosia. The three of them stared at the drawings for a long time. All of it was absolutely amazing, pretty and elegant.

“Hercules,” Theo said after a bit of silence and a lot of gaping. “You and I are gonna work together again. There is no way I let a wedding dress genius go!”

Hercules laughed and agreed. He wouldn’t deny that he liked that kind of missions. Besides those would most likely be well paid. He could use the extra money.

After a few days of reflection, Eliza and Alexander decided on one theme. It was the first one Hercules had designed and the simplest. Eliza’s empire waist dress had hints of blue in the embroideries on the bust and the sash would look perfect on her hips. Alex would be wearing a simple three-piece tux with a blue under-vest to match the dress. John and Burr would also get black suits.

Eliza and her sisters came to the shop to take their measurements. Angelica was kinda frightening, Peggy was absolutely delightful if only a little weird. She seemed to be a little on edge. Still he was really glad he got to meet them before the wedding. Plus they were cooperative. The same couldn’t be said about the groom.

It took twice the usual time for Hercules to get Alexander’s measurements. The man was a squirmy thing unable to stay still more than five seconds. The only person who seemed more ready than Hercules to murder Alexander was Aaron Burr. The guy seemed to be the exact opposite of Alex, shying away from any form of attention and barely opening his mouth. How were those two friends? Hercules wondered.

The two came back a month later with John. Hercules already had his measurements because as much as they hated it, their organization partly depended on private donations and that meant going to fancy galas to mingle with rich old white men who only gave them the time of the day because of John’s and Lafayette’s name.

Hercules helped Alex to put on the tux since the guy kept fidgeting with his cuffs.

“Is this wedding jitters man?” Hercules asked, mostly joking.

“This thing is worth more than the house I grew up in,” Alex mumbled in response.

Hercules didn’t know what to answer so he just said that the sleeves were a tiny bit too long and he went to get his pins. When he got back Alex was bantering with Burr while the man once seemed mildly amused. Hercules still didn’t understand that friendship but Alex had visibly relaxed so he figured it was none of his business.

“Did you fell asleep in there Laurens?” he joked, seeing that John was still in the dressing room.

“Coming!” John’s muffled voice said before the curtain opened, revealing a flushing Laurens. John’s eyes landed on Alexander and let out a quiet gasp before closing his mouth.

“Is it so bad?” Alexander laughed but he was started to wriggle on his feet again, self-conscious.

“No!” John exclaimed and blushed even harder. “You look… really good.” He said quietly, his eyes not leaving his ex-boyfriend’s body. He was staring bashfully and shamefully it seemed but he was staring nonetheless. Realizing what he was doing he violently looked away. Alex was fortunately too preoccupied with his lapels to notice that his friend was acting weird. However Hercules and Burr exchanged a brief look of understanding. _Shit, it happened after all…_ Hercules should have seen it coming, damn!

He finished working on Alexander’s tux quickly. The two groomsmen only needed very few modifications on their suits. “It’ll be ready next week,” he said. “Now the only thing left is for you to choose a flower to wear on your buttonhole,” he told Alex.

“Oh… uh, ok.”

“Do you have an idea yet?” Burr asked.

“Not really,” Hamilton admitted slowly. “I don’t have an extended knowledge of flower meaning… John?” he turned toward him, his face earnest and open and sincere. Hercules heard his friend’s breath hitched.

He looked thoughtful for a moment. Herc wasn’t sure if he was actually pondering the floral options or if he was just using the time as an excuse to compose himself.

“Stephanotis,” he finally murmured looking straight into Alexander’s eyes. Mulligan had to admit that Laurens was brave. He couldn’t imagine what it must be like to be giving advice for the wedding of the man you were in love with. But then again, it was not like John Laurens ever had any instinct for self-preservation. “They’re for happiness in marriage,” he explained.

Alexander beamed at him in response. He didn’t see the way John was clenching his fists in despair.

Burr stepped in, sensing the discomfort – or tension, most accurately – on Laurens’ part. He smiled and suggested to Alexander that they should get going since they were going to dinner at the Washington’s in a couple of hours. Alex nodded and put his coat back on. Hercules asked John to stay, using work as a flimsy excuse that neither he or Burr were fooled by. John accepted anyway, knowing he wouldn’t be able to avoid the conversation ahead.

The two lawyers said their goodbyes. Burr went for a formal yet friendly handshake while Alex didn’t bother with formalities. He hugged Hercules first and then John, looking so grateful for everything that even though he really wanted to, Mulligan still couldn’t hate him. Judging by the expression on John’s face, he was far from hating him either.

They left and only Aaron could see the mourning look on Alexander’s face when he turned his head back toward the shop on their way to the subway station.

Inside Hercules fetched the whisky bottle he kept in the back room and unceremoniously handed it to his friend. It was probably a little early to be an appropriated drinking time but that hardly mattered at this point. John didn’t hesitate to open it and took a long swing. He cleared his throat and gave the bottle back. Hercules sat beside him on one of the waiting couch, knowing they ought to talk about it but not really sure of how to broach the subject. Where was Laf? He would know, he always knew what to say. In the end he didn’t need to, John was the one to talk:

“I was going to suggest peonies but they also symbolize a _gay life,_ ” he barked a joyless laugh, a little hysterical. “That would have been fucked up!” He added, wiping his eyes.

“Yeah it would have,” Hercules replied.

John took the alcohol from his hands and drank again. They just sat together in silence for a moment.

“I imagined wearing peonies at my wedding once,” John finally said painfully. “I never imagined – I never _wanted_ – to marry someone that wasn’t him…” And then he broke into tears. Hercules wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. He wasn’t good with words but at least physical comfort he could do. That seemed to be what his friend needed. John continued to cry and hiccup and sob. He didn’t seem to be able to breathe, he didn’t seem to be able to stop.

Hercules gave him a tissue when he finally calmed down.

“What are you gonna do?”

“What I did last time,” John answered somberly. “I’m gonna shut up and watch him go. I just hope this is the last time and that I won’t be doing this in eight years.”

Hercules squeezed his shoulder.

“Me too buddy, me too…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor thing, please don't cry... 
> 
> Tell me what you think? Or just yell at me, that works too... 
> 
> [ Tumblr ](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/) is here!


	7. Chapter 6: Gardenia (Secret love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barbecue in Albany and bachelor party in New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola! 
> 
> Guess who's now 21? Yeah! 
> 
> Hope you're all well, I've had good responses over the last chapters and by that I mean everybody was crying... I'm a little concerned of what you'll do to me once you read this but without further ado, there you go!

The Schuyler mansion in Albany was beautiful in spring and the garden looked like a work of art. The masterpiece also smelled heavenly, Eliza smiled. She knew it was her Mum’s work and Catherine Schuyler had excellent tastes.

They had all gathered in the last weekend of March. It was finally hot enough to be able to eat outside and everyone had agreed they deserved a break. So here they were. Philip had invited his old friend Henry Knox and the two were chatting over the barbecue. Burr was there, had been invited at their informal gathering for years now and was chatting amiably with John Church and Angelica. As for Peggy she was timidly talking with Catherine and her girlfriend Sally. She had come out to the family only a month ago. She had looked so scared and was clutching Alexander’s hand like her life depended on it. Eliza and Angelica had been so proud of her. There had been lots of tears and lots of hugs. And now her baby sister was introducing her girlfriend to the family. She’d said that they’d been seeing each other for almost six months now with a smile on her face that Eliza had never seen. That smile alone was enough reason to love the girl. The fact that she was also smart and funny was just bonus. But then again, Peggy had also excellent tastes.

Alexander had apologized for keeping it a secret from her.

“I would have thought less of you if you had betrayed her trust,” she had admitted. Honestly, she was just glad that Peggy had been confortable enough to tell him and that at least _someone_ had known and been there for her.

Her fiancé was currently talking with John who had come with them last minute. Eliza suspected that Alexander didn’t give him a choice when he learned that John was to spend the weekend alone since Hercules and Laf had decided to go on a spontaneous trip to Florida. John had triple checked with her that it was ok for him to come. He still seemed a tiny bit uncomfortable to be among them but Alex was talking again about one thing or another and John had an expression on his face that Eliza knew very well – half fond and half exasperated. That was a common feature for her, Aaron and Washington.

Theo came back from the kitchen where she had been taking a call and joined her older sister, her husband and Burr. Alex and Eliza had agreed that she was doing a wonderful job and that it would be nice to get to know her in more informal circumstances. They had invited her fiancé but it seemed he was busy in Georgia. From the look on his face, Burr wasn’t missing him. Eliza wasn’t sure of what to think of Burr’s obvious infatuation – if the guy thought he was being subtle, he was very wrong –, on the one hand he guy didn’t have many friends or even people in his life, on the other hand Theodosia was very _taken_ so that could only mean trouble. Then again she did listen to him eagerly and Eliza had never seen someone laugh so much at something _Aaron Burr_ said, so maybe Aaron wouldn’t be a fool to hope.

“Betsey, come!” Alexander called her. She came over him and John at the wooden table.

“Hey,” she smiled. She unconsciously reached out for Alexander’s hand and he laced their fingers easily. “How are you doing John?” she asked.

“I’m good Eliza, thanks!” he replied.

“John has been eyeing the garden for the past ten minutes,” Alex smirked and John rolled his eyes. “I’d give him a tour myself but…”

“That would mean for him to find out there’s one subject you’re clueless about?” Eliza guessed, amused.

“As if I don’t already know that,” John teased. Alex huffed and stuck his tongue at him.

“I will happily show you the garden John,” Eliza said. “I think we have time before food is ready, shall we?”

John beamed and the two of them made their way towards the alleys and the greenhouse. They had been alone only a handful of times before and never very long, at least never long enough to make it awkward. Was this awkward for him? Eliza wondered. He was always sweet with her and overly polite but maybe it was just a façade? Maybe he didn’t actually like her. That pained her because she knew how much Alex cared for him and if he was important for Alex then he was important to her as well. Besides he had given her every reason to like him from his excellent manners to his very pleasant company. Then again maybe he was just uncomfortable, Lord knew Alex had been the first few times he was here. She should say something to put him at ease but she was very shy with people she didn’t know and she had to admit that John was still for the most part a stranger.

But then John saw the old family tree – yes the Schuyler had an actual tree that was planted in the residence when it was built in 1761 – it was an oak tree and John seemed transfixed by it judging by the way he gaped for thirty seconds straight. And just like that, the all the discomfort from before disappeared between them. She started talking about this place, about what she knew of her ancestor who fought the Revolutionary War. They shared stories about growing up with a Senator father. She told him the best of Peggy’s shenanigans and he laughed open-heartedly.

They gushed for she didn’t know how long and then she led him to her special spot in the garden. It was behind the greenhouse, in a special spot that was literally her heart and soul.

There, a small part of land was covered in flowers pink, yellow and blue that symbolized her sisters and her. She explained the meaning behind all of them. John listened to her intently, nodding along. He obviously knew about the subject and he seemed happy to have someone to talk about it. She could go on for hours about just how amazing Angelica and Peggy were and how lucky she was to have them. She told him how gardening was something she used to do with her Mom when she was younger.

“Me too,” he admitted quietly. “When I was eight I helped her plant a rose bush. And she taught me how to care for it and all and it sort of became our thing.”

He wasn’t looking at her but he still had a small smile on his face.

“We moved from South Carolina a few months after her death, at the bush had gone big in almost five years. I picked up some flowers for a bouquet before we left. I tried to keep them alive as long as I could, didn’t talk for a week when they eventually died. Before I left for England I planted another one with my Dad in his house.” He hadn’t told anyone that.

Eliza just nodded and put a hand on his shoulder. Her touch was light, comforting and John exhaled slowly.

“She’s also the one who loved the language of flowers,” he continued. “I guess that’s why I know so much about it. Makes me feel close to her…”

Eliza squeezed his shoulder.

“I really like the idea of a hidden meaning behind a bouquet,” she said. “Like a code, a mystery to be resolved.”

John smiled at that. Behind them, someone cleared their throat.

“I’m sorry,” Burr said. “But I was sent to tell you it’s time for lunch!”

“Thanks Aaron,” Eliza replied and the three of them retreated toward the mansion.

For the rest of the day, Burr was haunted by the last bit of conversation that he couldn’t have helped but overhear. He thought of roses while listening to Theodosia laugh, of tulips each time she smiled and of lilies with the way she talked. She was all he could see.

Yet each time his eyes landed on her ring, he felt guilt and shame crush his stomach. He didn’t want to be the bad guy, he didn’t wanna be the one to break a serious and happy relationship. But he couldn’t help but imagine what things could have been if she had been single when they met.

He would have tried to ask her out, with Alexander acting like an overexcited puppy when he would have found out. He would also have wanted to go on double dates and even though the prospect sounded terrifying, if Theo had wanted it too Aaron would have go in a heartbeat. They would have been happy, Aaron thought, and like any good love story it would have ended with him on one knee because he wanted to belong to her in each and every way. _Fuck_ that sounded really nice. That sounded like a happy ending some people looked for their entire life.

And his might be sitting right across the table and he wouldn’t do anything because he was scared? Really?

_Oh, hell no!_ Aaron suddenly decided. There were things he didn’t mind being cautious about, stuff he could wait for but not this, not _her._ Even though he would willingly wait for her his entire life, he still needed to know that she would be coming at the end. No more waiting, not this time. What was it that Hamilton always said? _I am not throwing away my shot!_

Well neither was Aaron. And he was aiming for her heart.

 

*

 

When he learned that Burr was the one organizing the bachelor party, John had feared that it would consist in a fancy diner where he would have had to wear a tux and drink expensive wine and act like a responsible adult. At least Burr didn’t seem like the type to hired strippers and that was a relief because the only time John had had an experience with one – an unfortunate surprise birthday present from Laf that the Frenchman appreciated way more that John did – had just left him very awkward. Fortunately it was neither. Burr had just taken them to a nice bar in town where he had paid for them to have unlimited drinks for the night.

_Good,_ John thought, _I’m gonna need a few!_

John knew going to the bachelor party was a bad idea. He also knew that Alexander would manage to make him go anyway because he always had that power over him. So he put on a brave face, wore a nice shirt and ordered a cocktail, hoping it would be strong enough for him to forget why he was drinking in the first place.

Alexander looked like he was having a great time. He was currently laughing and drinking with his brother in law. They were very few people invited – Alex being bi had decided the ‘no girls allowed’ rules didn’t apply and Peggy had said she and Sally would come. Angelica had declined but Church had tagged along, as he and Alex were good friends. Alexander’s boss, Georges Washington was there too and was talking intently with Laf. Burr was there, obviously and Hercules too. Those people formed an unexpected patchwork but they were all here because they loved Alex, which – John knew – meant the world to him.

John couldn’t help but to at him from time to time, how relaxed and at ease and _happy_ he looked. He was everything the angry teenager John had dated wasn’t yet everything John knew he could be. It was everything John had dreamed of giving him and couldn’t.

That hurt and he hated himself for that. He should be happy for his friend – that was what they were, _friends_ – not sulk about what could have been. Hercules went to see him to talk and his sympathetic expression told John he wasn’t being subtle. Well hopefully everybody else was too busy and/or drunk to notice. He really didn’t want to upset Alex so close to the wedding.

_Fuck_ that was happening too! In three weeks time, Alexander and Eliza would be married. _Together._ And then they would have kids, then Alex would probably run for office at some point, change the world with his _wife_ by his side and John – if he was lucky – would be an uncle or a godfather and he would eat with them on Sundays and endure a lifetime of teasing on why he was still single. _Great!_

Well he was in no condition to deal with that, he decided. And he seriously needed more alcohol in his system.

The only problem was that alcohol had a tendency to make him more aggressive and less likely to restrain his punches.

So in the end, it was not really surprising that he ended up tripping over the threshold of his apartment with a bruise already forming on the right side of his face. The other guy had it coming though. What he had said about Peggy and Sally had been nothing short of disgusting. And even if he was a little ashamed of it, the feeling of his fist connecting rather violently with the man’s jaw had been very satisfying.

So no, John was not really surprised that he had been kicked out of the bar. What _had_ surprised him however was that instead of being walked home by Herc or Laf – who would have given him one of their _‘I’m not sad, I’m disappointed’_ look – it was Alex who had offered to take care of him.

“Sorry to have ruined your bachelor party,” John said as he let himself fall on the couch. “You didn’t have to come with me though…” He spoke lowly because he didn’t want to wake up Marvin who was probably snoring in the middle of his bed.

“It’s not the first time I do this for you,” Alex reminded him from the kitchen, chuckling.

“Excuse you!” John pouted indignantly. “I did not get into bar fights at eighteen years old!”

“No,” Alex said as he came back with an icepack. John took it and placed it slowly on his face. “Doesn’t mean I never had to patch you up. Remember when you fought Charles Lee?”

John snorted. “I don’t remember you discouraging me, quite the contrary!”

“Well the good news is you don’t need stitches this time and I’m pretty sure none of your ribs are broken,” Alex joked.

“I still crushed that jerk, I crushed those two jerks!” John said because he felt like Alex was missing the important part. “And they deserved it, both of them.”

“Sure thing John,” Alexander smiled fondly. “Show me your hands?”

John was starting to feel sleepy so he showed them without resistance, although he should have known this was a bad idea. Alex was sitting close to him on the couch and examining his knuckles so gently John could cry. They hadn’t turn up the lights in the living room. They could only see because of the full moon light basking through the windows and the dim light of the coffee machine in the kitchen so Alex had to raise John’s hand close to his face to check for cuts. It took everything in John’s power not reach out and caress his face.

When Alex was finally done, John wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or disappointed.

“You’re gonna be fine,” Alex smiled again. “Do you think you can go to bed on your own?”

John almost laughed. _No, but I sure as hell am not asking you to come into my bedroom, this was hard enough,_ he thought.

“That couch is very comfortable,” he replied instead. And, as if to demonstrate what he had just said, he lied down groaning a little when his head started spinning. Yep, that last cocktail had been a mistake.

“Ok,” Alex chuckled and stood up. “At least take your shoes off.”

“Mrph,” John answered but complied and kicked them off unceremoniously. Then he felt something warm covering him. He squinted and saw that Alexander had fetched his ninja turtles comforter from the loveseat. “Thank you,” he mumbled.

“Anytime John,” Alexander replied softly. “I’ll let myself out now, there a glass of water and an aspirin on the coffee table ok? Sleep tight.”

He started walking toward the door when he heard John speak again.

“You make it very hard y’know that?” he said, with voice filled with fatigue. He looked seconds away from passing out.

“What do you mean?”

“You make it very hard not to be in love with you,” John murmured. Seconds later, Alex heard little snores that told him John was now dead to the world. Which was inconvenient.

Because now Alex was frozen by the door with John’s words ringing in his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me please? 
> 
> You can yell on the comment section or on [Tumblr](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/) though, I don't mind at all! 
> 
> Lots of love, 
> 
> Lu
> 
> PS: to make up for this and the mess of next week, I'm gonna publish something very fluffy soon, probably on Friday!


	8. Chapter 7: Sweet Pea (Goodbye, Departures)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex confronts John about his confession and ends up with tons of regrets 
> 
> Aaron does not throw away his shot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! 
> 
> When I finished writing this chapter, I knew you were all gonna hate me for it. However this fight is also one of the purpose of writing this story. I wanted to write that fight so bad I build a fic around it. So I'm kinda anxious right now to see your reactions. 
> 
> Also, on a totally unrelated note: Moana deserved that Oscar so bad and so like a responsible adult, I bought myself a Funko Pop figure of her today. That's all! 
> 
> Enjoy <3

When Alex finally made it home, he collapsed next to Eliza on their bed. She was sleeping soundly and that was a good thing because had she been awake, she would have seen how distressed he looked. Thank God he had switched to virgin mojitos after the first two drinks! He was a lightweight and he would have probably punched someone himself with more alcohol and he had promised Eliza he’d behave.

He knew sleep would probably a smart decision now but he also knew that he was unlikely to be able to. For the last hour, all he could think of was John and what he’d said.

_You make it very hard not to be in love with you._

John was in love with him? Again? Still?

His head was spinning. He took deep breaths and reasoned. He was good at that. Logic, he needed logic right now.

There were three things he knew for sure. One: he and Eliza were getting married in three weeks. Two: John was drunk when he had confessed his feelings – did that count as a confession? – so it was probable that it didn’t mean to do it and that he didn’t plan to act on them. Three: giving how much John had drunk, he would most likely not remember telling Alexander anything in the morning.

Therefore Alex could totally decide to put it aside and never speak to John about it. It would be the easy thing to do. Except there was a heaviness in his stomach that he knew all too well at that thought. It was guilt. And he had been carrying the exact same guilt about John for almost ten years the first time he had run away without talking about their feelings. The first time he had been a coward.

_No,_ he decided, _not this time._ He wanted an explanation and he felt like he deserved one. He thought that when they had talked at Christmas, he and John finally got closure but maybe he was wrong. Maybe there were more to that, more left unsaid.

Gosh that conversation was not going to be a pleasant one.

Besides him, Eliza made a sound in her sleep. Damn what was he gonna tell her? What was protocol in those circumstances? He didn’t know.

Well there was no need to wake her up in the middle of the night, he figured. He would talk to John and then tell her how it went. Before that, there was no need to worry her.

Feeling only marginally better, he finally closed his eyes. Better rest, the next day would most likely be a long one.

 

*

 

John woke up with a headache for the ages and his dog licking his face. His memories of the night before started getting fuzzy after his third drink and anything after the fifth was blurred in an artistic haze. He did remember throwing the first punch when a jerk approached Peggy and her girlfriend and being kicked out. He also had a vague memory of Alex walking him home but that was all.

He gulped down the aspirin pill with the water on the coffee table. Well, at least Alex couldn’t be too mad that John had kinda ruined his bachelor party.

He checked the time, it was one in the afternoon and the day was Sunday. Great, that meant he had nothing to do and nowhere to be. He took a shower because he could still smell alcohol on him.

When he got out of the bathroom – feeling slightly more human – he gave Marvin his food to appease him. Then he opened his fridge to see if there was anything edible in there. He still had some pasta from the Buzzfeed recipe he had tried out earlier in the week so he put those in the microwave and ate them slowly. He left the Tupperware in the sink, he’d do the dishes later. Marvin and he went for a walk, the fresh air was nice for both of them. The dog was almost one now and his pull on the leash was getting strong. They played fetch in the park and went back home. John retrieved a book from his bedroom and sat on the couch. It was _The Hound of the Baskervilles._ Sue him he was a nerd and he enjoyed the classics! His dog took his usual place by his feet and John lost himself in a story he knew by heart at that point but that still managed to surprise him. He relaxed. He had survived the bachelor party without any major incidents, maybe he could survive the wedding after all.

He was halfway through the novel when someone knocked at the door. Marvin looked up, curiously and followed him to the threshold.

“Alex, hi!” John said, surprised. Marvin recognized the friend and hopped to him gleefully. Alexander chuckled and petted his head. Then he looked up to meet John’s eyes.

“Can we talk?” John nodded and the two of them sat face to face on the couch. This felt a lot like déjà-vu to him.

“How’s the hangover?” Alexander asked lightly.

“I think I’m getting too old for this,” John chuckled.

“What, drinking yourself to oblivion or getting into bar fights?” Alex smirked.

“Probably both,” John shrugged. “Probably won’t stop either.”

Alexander huffed. Then his expression turned serious.

“How much do you remember?”

“Not much,” John said. “Those cocktails were pretty strong. I do remember that you’re the one who made sure my drunk ass came home safe, thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Alex said dismissively. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth a few times but never seemed to find the words he wanted. Alexander Hamilton didn’t know what to say, uh, that couldn’t be good.

“Is there something I should know?” he asked.

Again, Alex did have an answer but didn’t seem eager to share it.

“Alex?” he asked again, the suspense killing him.

“When I… Before you fell asleep last night,” he finally started. “You said something about…”

“About?”

“About still having feelings for me. Romantic ones.” Alex finally replied quietly. He was looking at John in the eyes and John felt his whole body freeze.

No, no no no no no! He did _not_ say this! They were _not_ doing this! He couldn’t do this! He couldn’t lose Alex again if he chose that they couldn’t be friends any longer. And he couldn’t be the one – in the very hypothetical case of his wildest dream coming true – who broke Eliza’s heart. He was not that guy.

“John?” Alex spoke again. “Is it true?”

“It doesn’t matter,” John replied and left for the kitchen. He started washing the dishes to try and stop his hands from shaking.

“Yes it does!” Alex said from the living room and quickly followed him. Marvin joined them too, looking a little confused. “John! Talk to me! Tell me the truth, John! You owe me the truth!”

_“I owe you?!”_

Something inside John snapped. He felt anger like he hadn’t feel in years fill his guts. Alex wanted the truth? Oh he was gonna get it! He let go of his plate, which fell back into the sink in a loud _splash._ Marvin barked but John shushed him with a gesture of his hand. The dog whined and trotted back toward the bedroom.

John turned back toward Alex.

“I owe you nothing _!”_ he growled. “ _Nothing,_ do you hear me? You and I are over, Alex. Over. Because of you! _You’re_ the one who broke my heart and left me. You broke up with me. It was _your decision!_ And you said you wanted to come back but couldn’t? Damn it! I didn’t mean enough for you that you couldn’t get over your stupid pride? Well that’s good to know!”

“John…” Alex started.

“I’m not done!” John cut him. “You hurt me ok? You hurt me more than anyone ever did. And that’s because I loved you so much, I gave you the power to hurt me! Then I left. I left because I needed to get over you, I needed a fresh start and I found one. I met Laf and Herc! I even fell in love again I think…”

Alex seemed surprised by that but kept his mouth shut.

“I didn’t come back here for you,” John continued. “I didn’t want you back. I was over you. _I thought I was over you!”_ He cried. “I really thought I was because otherwise never in a million years would I have accepted to come to the wedding. But I did and you and I were friends again and that felt _good._ It felt _right!”_ His voice broke at the words. Alexander wanted to reach out and take him in his arms but John seemed to be more likely to hit him than hug him right now.

“I really want to hate you right now,” John said sadly. “It would be easier. But I learned the hard way that I don’t have in my bones – _I don’t have in my heart_ – to hate you. I can only love you, and let you go…” This time he really broke into tears. Watching him was causing physical pain to Alexander. He took a tentative step forward and put a hand on his shoulder. John hissed but didn’t brush him off. He was covering his face with his hands so he wouldn’t look at him.

“John,” Alex tried again softly.

“Don’t!” John shook his head eagerly. He put his hands away and took a step away from him. Alex wanted to shout. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. Maybe that they should have had that fight years ago, that he knew he broke John’s heart and that he had been hating himself for it for the last eight years now, that they should talk about it, figure something out because he was not ready for John to leave again. But John spoke again and he crushed all of Alexander’s hopes with one word.

_“Don’t!”_ he said. “Whatever you have to say, I don’t wanna hear it… It’s too late. I’ve run this scenario in my head enough times now to know all the eventualities. And none of them end well for me. And… that’s ok I can live with that.” He took a deep breath, looked at Alex right in the eyes. “I love you,” he said. “And in a way I’m glad that I’ve told you. But that’s all it is. I won’t be the one you ruins your wedding. So whatever you’re thinking, whatever you wanna say, forget it and think about Eliza!”

Eliza, oh Eliza… That was another conversation to look forward to.

“She’s great Alex!” John smiled behind his tears. “She’s wonderful and I genuinely like her. If I don’t get a happy ending in this, I can live with it as long as I know she does. So now you’re gonna leave and go home to your future wife and you two are gonna live a long and happy life together. You’ll have to excuse my absence at the wedding though,” he added. “I won’t be able to attend.”

Alexander stared at him with wild eyes but John was obstinately looking at his shoes.

“So I’m the one who doesn’t have a say this time around?” Alex finally asked.

“I guess so…” John answered sadly. He went to the front door and opened it. “You need to leave.”

Alex stared again, stunned. This was it? Really? How did this happen? How had they come to this?

“Please,” John begged.

Alex was having an out-of-body experience. He saw himself nodding and walking through the door, unable to say a word.

When he was gone, John shut the door behind him, sunk to the floor and cried again.

 

*

 

Theodosia sighed as she read Marcus’ text. He was still swamped with work and would stay in Georgia again that weekend. It was the third time in the last two months. Don’t get her wrong, Theo loved that her fiancé was so invested in his work. He was passionate, driven. And she would lie if she said it wasn’t one of the things that she loved about him.

Still, he had proposed six months before and since then he seemed to think that his part of the job was done. Just because planning wedding was her job didn’t mean she was supposed to do it all on her own. He seemed to consider the matter trivial, unimportant. And she was starting to realize that he also considered her job unimportant. Or in any case very much less important than _his_ work as a publicity adviser. That was not how Theodosia thought their marriage should start. Well that was if he came back long enough to get married.

She entered her Brooklyn apartment, still feeling oddly empty. That was an accurate description of the place, she thought. Oddly empty. It was very large since the two of them had very good salaries. It was very big even for two people and these days she was there alone more often than not.

Damn something was wrong here… Instead of being in a happy bubble with Marcus, she was overworking and when she was not, she was spending time with another man! She was not _cheating_ mind you, but still. She and Aaron were close now… Have been since that barbecue at the Schuyler’s a month before. Theo liked him, he was a good friend and someone she could easily confide in those last few weeks.

_He’s there while Marcus is not,_ she couldn’t help but think.

She ordered Japanese, not in the mood for cooking. She was enjoying her makis with probably too mush ginger. Well she wasn’t kissing anyone tonight at least.

Suddenly her interphone buzzed.

“Yes?”

“It’s Aaron, can you let me in?”

Intrigued, she buzzed him in and waited until he reached the door. He arrived at the threshold, looking fidgety and slightly disheveled. It was not necessarily a bad look on him but she had only ever seen him so composed that she was a little startled.

“Hi,” he smiled. He was hiding something behind his back. Seriously? What were they, five years old?

“Hey,” she replied. “What’s going on?”

“I’m not sure I should do this,” he said. “But I think I’d hate myself if I don’t. If I end up with regrets about tonight, I don’t wanna regret doing nothing.”

She slowly nodded. “Ok, what are you talking about exactly?”

He revealed a red tulip from behind his back and handed it to her. She took it carefully, noting the way he was slightly shaking.

“They’re for love declaration,” he murmured and Theo’s eyes widened. “Before you close the door to my face, let me explain!” he added in a rush. She said nothing but didn’t make any gesture to close the door so Aaron started talking again.

“I like you Theo, I really do. And I want you to be happy. And I told myself that if you were, I wouldn’t do anything. I would just leave you alone and be your friend. But I don’t think you’re happy Theo and I know it’s presumptuous of me to assume that so if you want to punch me in the face or whatever, I’d totally understand. It’s just that… For the first time in a really long while, I’ve finally found something worth taking risks for… I didn’t realized how good it felt…”

He looked down once he was done, like he was a little ashamed.

Theodosia opened and closed her mouth several times but wasn’t able to speak. Her brain was trying to understand what was happening and what she was supposed to do. But there was a lot to process. Eventually Aaron took a step back to leave and Theo instinctively grabbed his wrist.

Maybe she wasn’t supposed to do this with her brain. Maybe she would be better off trusting her guts, trusting her heart.

He stopped immediately and looked back at her, hopeful. Theo took a deep breath and laced their fingers together. Aaron eyes lit up. She brought the flower to her nose. It smelled heavenly.

Then she just said: “Stay,” and Aaron did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I was anxious? 
> 
> Shout at me on the comment section or on [ Tumblr ](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I also strongly encourage you to read [ lastest fluffy fic ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9911945)my to make up for this ball of angst


	9. Chapter 8: Blue violet (I’ll always be true)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By fulfilling a promise he made her, Alexander breaks Eliza's heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends, how was your week? 
> 
> So I know everbody was in tears after the last chapter and I'm sorry but I don't think this one will make up for it? Oops... 
> 
> But everything is slowly coming to an end - only two more chapters to go - and it's making me kinda sad :(

John’s words were all Alexander could think about for days. And when the words would leave him alone, then the look on John’s face haunted him. He had looked so crushed, so desperate. Alex had never seen him like that.

Or more exactly, Alex _had_ and had wanted to forget it ever since because he was the one who had put that look on John’s face. History had a cruel way of repeating itself, nine years later.

Except, there was still something he could do this time around right? He and John didn’t have to become estranged – he didn’t wanna say ‘break up’ thought it kinda felt like it – one more time? They could figure it out, if only they could _talk._ But John had ignored every attempt albeit timid that Alex made at communication. Alex knew he should give him space. He was just terrified that John would run away again.

And there was also the tiny detail that he wasn’t sure what to say. That didn’t happen often and that was enough to send panic rushing through his veins. All he knew was that nine years before, he had closed the door of his and John’s relationship and he thought he was ok with that. Except he was now realizing that that door was never closed. It was still ajar, slightly. John had kept it that way. A part of him couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he were to pass that threshold again. Part of him wanted to. That was the same part that had been feeding him with memories of him and John, the part that remembered just how _happy_ they were. John had been his first love, his first many things really. His first kiss, sweet and tender by the willow tree in the park; his first dance, a clumsy and ridiculous waltz at junior prom; his first time, passionate and still a little awkward in John’s bed a weekend when Henry Laurens was out of town.

Could they have that again? Did he want to have that again? Why would he want that again?

He and Eliza were good. She was good for him, always so kind and yet still fierce and loyal to the bone. He had fallen for her fast in college. They had met at a party and he had taken her on a date in a small diner where they ate waffles and laughed more than he had in a long time. Her smile took his breath away still, after all this time. He loved that she could call him on his bullshit. She was challenging him, in a way that others couldn’t. Angelica could keep up with his wit sure, but Eliza could make him stop and think. She gave him direction, purpose. Her only presence made the world better – made everything around her better – and until now, Alex had wanted to think that he had become a better person too.

He was conflicted. He debated texting Hercules or Lafayette but in the end decided against it. If someone needed comfort right now, then John certainly needed some more than him. He could have gone to Burr but Aaron didn’t know that he and John used to date. Even so, his usual policy of no risk-taking wouldn’t be any use for Alex right now even if he really needed a friend.

All his thoughts, all his emotions, all his feelings seemed to be constantly dancing before his eyes. He couldn’t focus on anything else. And if that wasn’t enough, they brought along his doubts, his anxieties and his fears.

In other words, Alexander was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. As that day turned into a week, he knew had to talk to Eliza about it. He knew he was hard work but she had once made him promise to never lie to her. And he kinda had been all week when he’d said he was fine when he was so clearly not.

So the Friday after he had confronted John, he asked Washington if he could leave early. His boss was way too happy to grant him that, if only because Alexander’s definition of ‘early’ was still thirty minutes more than he was supposed to work.

Eliza greeted him home with a smile and a kiss. She was surprised to see him come back earlier than usual but didn’t comment on it. She suggested ordering take out because she didn’t want to cook and she wanted pizza anyway. Alex smiled and said, “whatever you want love.”

They ate on the couch with the news on. Alexander was chewing absently on his food and hadn’t made a snarky comment to the TV yet. That all but confirmed Eliza’s suspicions that something was up.

“Will you tell me what’s bothering you?” She asked him, gently.

_John’s right,_ Alex thought, _she doesn’t deserve to hear what I’m about to tell her._ Mournfully, he thought _she probably deserved more than me all along._

“Something happened,” he said slowly. “At the bachelor party.”

“Ok,” Eliza said. When he didn’t speak again, she prompted him: “What happened?”

“John…” Alexander started. “John got into a fight. Well not a fight exactly but he was drunk and he punched some shithead who’d been bothering Peggy and they asked him to leave. I said I would walk him home so I did.” Eliza nodded. Alexander knew he had to tell her. That it was the right thing to do, that she would want him to tell her. That didn’t make saying it any easier. “And then he told me he loved me…”

There. It was out in the open now. They said the truth would set you free but Alex still felt enslaved. He thought he had just gave Eliza her own set of chains. She had gone really pale, eyes wide-open and mouth slightly agape. She reached for the remote, hands shaking and turned the TV off. Alex suspected she needed an excuse to look away from him.

“I remember you went to see him the next day,” she said.

“Yeah,” he nodded. Why did he have to keep going? She was already chained, why hit her when she was down? And yet he did.

“I mean he was drunk when he said it. So I went to see him, asked him if it was true… and it was…” He had to remind himself to breathe. His head was already hurting and tears wetted his eyes. Eliza was crying too, he realized, but her voice didn’t break when she asked, “Go on.”

“We fought,” Alexander admitted. “Well he yelled at me, mostly. Kept saying that his feelings for me didn’t matter because he was not the one I was marrying. Said that he’d rather his heart broken than yours. Then he asked me to leave and to excuse his absence at the wedding.”

Eliza snorted when Alex couldn’t help but sighed in relief when he was done. What would happen was up to both of them now and he was glad to no longer carry the weight of that decision alone. _I’m a selfish bastard._

“Well that was unexpected,” she just said. For a long moment neither of them spoke. They were sitting side by side on the couch but weren’t touching and were looking anywhere but at each other.

Eventually Eliza cleared her throat: “We’re getting married in two weeks Alexander.”

“I know.”

“And you’ve spent the last few days obsessing over your ex-boyfriend!” she almost shouted.

“I know,” Alexander repeated.

“Do you realize how bad this is?!”

“Trust me, I do…” Alexander breathed out a sob.

“I just don’t understand why…”

_“Eliza,”_ he cut her. “I didn’t cheat on you. You once asked me to do only one thing and that was to always be true. That’s what I’m trying to do. I don’t wanna hurt you. I hate myself for hurting you. But like you said we’re getting married in two weeks. You would really rather if I had withhold this from you?”

“I would rather you not having that kind of bombshell to throw at me in the first place Alexander!” She was not wrong and Alex knew it. And he was an asshole for putting her through it.

This should be simple. Knowing someone was in love with him shouldn’t have that effect on him because he was getting _married._ So even if that someone turned out to be someone he had loved in the past, it shouldn’t change his devotion to Eliza. And maybe if he knew what he was feeling it would be easier but he didn’t. He was just so utterly confused and he didn’t know what to do.

“Be honest with me Alexander,” she demanded. Alex nodded, that he would always be. “Do you love him? As in, are you in love with him?”

And then again the answer should be simple. And yet it was anything but. A week ago the answer _would_ have been simple. Yet he couldn’t quite managed to quiet the little whisper in his ear, that little voice asking the most dangerous question of all: _what if?_

He didn’t say anything for a long moment. Eliza was staring at him, incredulous. She was crying but she was still handling the whole matter with way more patience and dignity than Alexander deserved.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” he finally managed to say. “But if you’re asking me to tell you that I am not in love with him, I don’t think I can…”

Eliza stood up, towering him from where he was curled up on the couch, whimpering.

“So that’s it then?”

Alexander looked up at her helplessly.

“We can’t get married in two weeks,” she said. And she was right, after what he’d said, they couldn’t. “To be honest, I’m not sure I still want to marry you at all right now.” Alex’s blood turned cold. “You should leave,” she added.

Part of her wanted him to fight her, to use his goddamn mouth to beg for her to let him stay. She didn’t know if she would have accepted. But the fact that he didn’t crushed her even more.

Instead he just went to the bedroom and fifteen minutes later he walked out with a sport bag that most likely contained clothes and essentials for wherever he was going.

She couldn’t believe it. That same morning he had kissed her on his way to work and said he loved her. They’d been together for five years and engaged for more than one. And now he was just leaving? Did all this time really mean nothing to him? She was gripping the kitchen counter very hard to stop herself from screaming.

She watched in slow motion his hand reaching for the door handle, turning it and opening the door. Why wasn’t he saying anything? How could he have nothing to say?

He steeped out of the apartment. When he turned back to close the door, their eyes locked.

“For all it’s worth, I do love you with all my heart Betsey.”

She heard the door closed and threw a glass at it.

 

*

 

Alexander looked like shit when Aaron opened his door. He had obviously been crying if the red marks on his face were any indication, his hair was a mess like he had been trying to tear it out and seemed completely lost.

He tried to say something several times but couldn’t get a word out. Eventually he settled for: “Can I crash here tonight? I must tell you that if you refuse, you might have my death on your conscience given the threats I’ve been receiving from Angelica…”

Noticing the bag for the first time, Aaron let him in, alarmed. Dear God, what did that kid do this time? Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.

Hamilton walked in. He deposited his bag in the hallway and Aaron led him slowly toward the kitchen. First, hot tea, then Alexander would get some sleep and then he would explain.

Burr was so preoccupied by his friend that he momentarily forgot that there was something – or more exactly someone – in his kitchen that Alexander wasn’t supposed to see.

“Theo?” he said, a little disbelieving. The fact that he wasn’t babbling nonsense after two seconds was a clear sign he was not feeling himself.

“Hi Alexander,” Theo responded, surprised.

Hamilton looked back at him, frowning, as if asking why she was here. Burr supposed he could deny the truth and lie but there was no point really. Theo was wearing one of his Princeton t-shirt and there were some _freaking candles_ in the living room.

So he just said, “yeah.”

Alex nodded. “I’m happy for you,” he said. “Though I thought you were taken Theo.”

The way she looked down in shame was answer enough. Aaron wasn’t exactly proud of what they were doing either but she said she wanted to leave Marcus in person and that even though they weren’t married, they still had a lot to discuss over their separation. She had also said that she wasn’t leaving him for Aaron. She was doing this for herself because she deserved better than a man half-invested in their relationship. Aaron was happy as long as he was the one she came home to at the end of the day.

“Oh,” Alex said. Then he shrugged. “Well congratulations I guess. Although I regret to inform you that you are out of job as of tonight.”

_Wait what?!_ Incredulity must have shown on both their faces because Alex barked a joyless laughed that quickly turned into sobs.

Theo hurried out of the room to give them some privacy. Aaron pulled Alex into a hug and let him soak his shirt with tears. He usually wasn’t a fan of hugging. Most of the time they had hugged in the past was from Alexander’s initiative and he had done it with very little consideration for Aaron’s reservations. So it was kinda awkward for him. But he had learned that when he was panicking, Alex needed to feel grounded and that physical contact was a good way of doing so.

Alexander was a shaking leaf in his arms. He was sobbing hard and muttering words that Burr mostly didn’t understand. The very few he caught were variations of _I’ve fucked up so bad, what I am gonna do_ and _they both hate me so much now…_ None of those were very reassuring. Ok, time to do his best friend’s job.

“Alexander,” he said as he pulled back from his embrace but still kept both of his hands on the smaller man’s shoulders. “Listen to me ok? I know you and you’re a good person…” Alex whined.

“You’re a good person,” Aaron continued firmly. “And you’re still a good person even if you’ve made a mistake. Everybody does so. Whatever happened between you and Eliza, I’m not asking you to tell me now. But whatever it is, I can hardly judge you,” he reminded him. That earned him half a smile. “So how about you let me make you some tea and then get some rest for tonight ok? You can figure things out tomorrow.”

Alexander nodded hesitantly and didn’t say a word while Burr fussed around the kettle. He gave him his tea with a hint of honey and watched him took precautious sips.

The poor fellow fell asleep the second his head hit the pillow in the guest bedroom.

Aaron returned to his own room where Theo was waiting for him on the bed, playing a game on her phone. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight. He should really be more concerned by the fact that he wanted to see it every night for the rest of his life.

“Is he gonna be ok?” she asked as he settled next to her. He buried his nose in her neck and inhaled deeply. He felt his confusion subsided in his stomach to make room for the warmth he usually felt around her.

He cracked an eye open to see her looking down at him, amused. He smiled back.

“I really hope so!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know, you hate me but please tell me in the comment section 


	10. Chapter 9: Purple Hyacinth (Forgive me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forgiveness is the hardest thing to achieve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, 
> 
> So we're almost done, can you believe that? So many people have read this, it's insane! I'm so grateful for y'all <3 
> 
> Enjoy!

Things did get better, just not for Alex. Everyone around him was happy though and that was enough to keep him going. Work was a nice distraction from his problems and he started to work twice as hard as he used to. He was staying long hours again. How could you blame him? It was not like he had a home to come back to.

Moving out had been painful. Eliza wasn’t in the apartment so instead Alex had had to face Angelica Schuyler. To say he had been afraid was an understatement. After all, he had received several texts and emails menacing his life and his physical integrity and he was still quite attached to both. Angelica had spat her – rightfully placed he knew – anger at him like venom and it had taken everything in him to keep his head high. He needed to save appearances, they were all he had left. He had collected his stuffs under her murderous glare and waited to be in the safety of his new shitty studio to break. The place wasn’t actually so bad. It was just not home.

But he only had himself to blame for that. He had destroyed his home on his own this time, no hurricane required.

Neither John nor Eliza were talking to him, not that he could blame them. A few days after he and Eliza broke up – damn they _did_ break up didn’t they? – he had gone to see John. When he’d learnt that the wedding was off, John had looked incredulous.

“You’re an idiot,” he’d said and closed the door to his face.

Alex couldn’t say he was wrong.

He tried to convince himself it was for the best. Both John and Eliza were probably better off without him. He thought back to what John had said, how selfless he had been. Maybe he could be selfless this time around, leave them alone and finally set them free. Selflessness was hard for him. When he was a child, he had found out the hard way that if he didn’t put himself first, nobody would. He didn’t have any parents to look out for him, no family, no one. So he had to fend for himself and that worked well at first. He came to the States, got accepted to college and graduated top of his class. But he also dumped John in a very cruel way during their last month of high school. Who got hurt hadn’t really mattered to him as long as he kept going higher and higher. So yeah he was selfish, he didn’t know how not to be.

But maybe he could learn, for both of them. Maybe even if neither would ever talk to him again, he could become someone worthy of them. That was the only thing he could do. He couldn’t ask to be forgiven without being someone who deserved their forgiveness in the first place. So he worked. He had gone to law school because he wanted to help people, to make a difference and to leave his mark in this world. It was all he could have dreamed of back on Nevis, a legacy. He had once thought that it was all he could ever want. Now he knew it wasn’t enough. Yet because of his stupid ambition and pride, it was the only thing he could still claim and fight for.

The weeks turned into months and Alex was still incredibly lonely. He had barely seen the sun during the summer. Visibly the fact that the days were getting shorter would not encourage him to take a break. He was so pale and the bags under his eyes were so big, he looked like a zombie. The only people that wouldn’t let him push them away were Aaron and Washington.

George and Martha had insisted they kept having lunch together even though he was now sitting silently through most of them. They had stopped asking how he was doing and instead almost forced him to come every Sunday if only to make sure that he had a decent meal once a week. As for Aaron he was still there, the only constant remaining in his life despite all the petty comments Alex would throw at him in hopes to be left alone. Seriously Burr and Theodosia were practically glowing with happiness since she had left her fiancé, they shouldn’t have to babysit him.

Aaron told him they were getting married at the beginning of October, six months after his own wedding fell apart. He asked him to be his best man and Alex nodded, his throat tight. He threw his arms around Aaron and hugged him, a little too hard and a little too long for it to be only about congratulations. He knew Aaron noticed and he was grateful he wouldn’t comment.

“We need to talk,” he said when he let go. Well so much for being grateful.

“Save your breath Burr,” he replied and took another sip of his drink. His friend had somehow convinced him to go out and they were at a bar in Brooklyn. He should have known it was a trap. Well, Burr was paying for his drink, he thought bitterly. And the next ones.

“I’m worried about you Alexander,” Burr continued anyway. “You’re not fine and even worse, you don’t seem to want to be getting better!”

“Why do you care?” he grumbled.

“Alex,” Theo intervened. “You need to stop the self flagellation, _now._ Despite what you’re probably thinking, you’re not a monster beyond forgiveness!”

_Forgiveness,_ Alex thought, _can you imagine?_

“That’s not for you to decide,” he replied. “And the two people that I’ve hurt don’t wanna talk to me so I’m not forgiven and that’s it!”

“I know,” Theo said patiently. “But I’m not talking about them forgiving you. I’m talking about you forgiving yourself and moving on.”

Alex stared at her for a long minute. What was she saying? This was not the way things worked.

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can,” she said firmly. “You have to. I know guilt have been eating you alive and that seems impossible but you have to at least try! Because you’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life! You might as well not hate who you are. So when you do something you regret, you make amends as best as you can to those you hurt and then you go on!”

“It’s easy for you to say…” Alex began.

“No it’s not!” Theo cut him harshly. “Yours is not the only engagement that was broken recently remember?”

Alex gulped. Theo was as passionate and terrifying as Angelica. Aaron and Church were both incredibly lucky.

“Take it from someone who _did_ cheat on the person they were engaged to, if I can forgive myself and go on then so can you.”

She would probably have kept going on if not for the hand Aaron put on hers. He agreed with everything she said and Alex did need to hear it. But he also needed time to absorb it all. The man was currently blinking furiously to stop himself from breaking down in the middle of the bar. Hamilton took a few deep breaths and then looked up to them again.

“Go ahead,” he sighed. “Say your piece, I know you’re not done!”

“You remember our philosophy course in college?” Burr asked.

Hamilton nodded.

“When we talked about conscience, the professor said that we should always follow ours because if we don’t, then we’re doing something we think – or know – is wrong.”

Alexander was toying with his beer lapel so he didn’t have to look at him in the eye.

“You followed your conscience Alexander,” Burr continued. “You did what you thought was right, which was brave. That doesn’t make you a bad person ok?”

“I’m having a hard time believing that,” Alexander responded, not looking up.

“Can I say one more thing?” his college friend asked.

“Please,” Alex said ironically.

“When we met you told me that we are not where we’re from.” Alexander looked up and Aaron kept going: “You said that our past isn’t as important as opposed to where we’re going. That it doesn’t define us. You never let your past define you. Why are you letting that mistake, if that’s how you wanna call it, does?”

“You’re quite a lawyer, mister Burr, sir,” Alexander snorted. Aaron rolled his eyes at the old nickname Alex had for him in the first months they knew each other. Still he was smiling, that was the most of his old friend he’d seen in months. And damn he was missing that scrappy bastard!

When he came back to his place, Alexander sat at his desk and picked up a pen. He wrote two letters, both incredibly long, both tainted with his regrets and his tears. _Make amends as best as you can_ , Theo had said. Well he could say that writing was what he did best so those would have to do.

He posted the letters the next day, feeling like a snake that had finally got rid of his slough skin. He was ready to start anew.

 

*

 

The banging on John’s door was so insistent that Marvin was loudly barking, even though he knew he wasn’t allowed to in the apartment. John opened the door to an angry looking Elizabeth Schuyler.

“Did he send you one too?” she said as she crossed the threshold. John watched her walked into his kitchen and opened the cupboards. For a second, John feared that she would throw something at him but she merely took out two shot glasses. Then she went to the fridge and got lemons and ice.

“I have tequila,” she added. She retrieved a bottle from her purse. “Where do you keep your salt?”

He wordlessly went to his spice self and handed it to her. She took it, satisfied and aligned the items on his kitchen counter.

“Eliza?” he asked cautiously. “What are you doing here?”

“He sent you one too, didn’t he?” she said in lieu of a response. Upon his confusion, she added, “ a letter.”

_Oh._ John nodded and gestured toward the still sealed envelope in his key bowl.

“You should read it,” she sounded more bitter than he had ever heard her. “It’s very… _him.”_

“That’s exactly why I didn’t,” John admitted.

“Drink!” Eliza ordered as she slid the shot, some salt and lemon to him. John considered pointed out that there was something very inappropriate in the fact that they were drinking together to forget the man who broke both their hearts. He did consider it but the look Eliza gave him said that she knew that already and didn’t care. So he did what he was told.

It became a regular thing. They would drink together in one of their apartment. At first it was at least once a week and they would only talk to complain about Alexander. Little by little though, they started talking about stuff that had nothing to do with him. Then they started drinking glasses with no alcohol. Then they would meet up for coffee like they were friends. And they were in a way, John supposed, albeit in a very weird way.

He liked spending time with her. She was a wonderful woman, stronger that he would have thought. She would always stand tall and proud even though she was crushed on the inside. And John watched, fascinated as she picked up the pieces of her broken heart and put them back together in a way that he was never able to. When she invited him to her place because she no longer had a partner for game night with her sisters, everyone was surprised, him included. Angelica had seemed ready to slice his throat but the silent conversation she had with Eliza calmed her down. Peggy made a joke about no longer being the only gay there (Sally was pan) and the remaining tension dissolved almost instantly.

“You still haven’t read the letter,” Eliza said casually in December. They were having coffee on a Saturday, which had become a routine of theirs. Sometime Laf and Herc would join them. They were a strange group of friends but it worked so he figured how they came together didn’t matter so much.

“Nope,” John responded.

“But you haven’t thrown it away either,” Eliza pointed out. Her tone wasn’t accusatory, just curious and a little concerned. “Why?”

“I don’t trust myself to read it. The last time he sent me something it kinda went south,” John was trying to keep his tone light.

“You think you’ll fall right back in love with him if you read it?”

“I’m not not in love with him,” John confessed. “But maybe I can pretend I’m over him it’ll become true eventually.”

Eliza nodded slowly. “I guess it means I’m cured then,” she said. “I read that letter and I survived. I’m thinking about dating again,” she added, blushing.

“Really?” John smiled. “Anyone in particular?”

“Someone at work,” she answered vaguely.

John sent her a flat look to which she grinned wickedly.

“At least this time I know _she’s_ not your type!”

John laughed openly and the two clicked their mug in celebration.

 

John knew he wasn’t over Alex. He had the confirmation on the 23rd of December when someone rang at his door. When he opened the door to a deliveryman, he tried to tell himself he was not disappointed. The guy gave him a bouquet of forget-me-nots and left. John put them in a vase delicately and reached for the card. He already knew whom they were from. In the messy handwriting he knew by heart, it read:

_“C’est le temps que tu as perdu pour ta rose qui fait ta rose si importante.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The French comes from the Little Prince and means "It's the time you've spent on your rose that makes it so important" 
> 
> Keep feeding me with comments and kudos please please please <3 
> 
> I'm gonna be crazy busy this week and so I might not answer your comments rapidly but I swear I'll answer every single one on Monday at worst! 
> 
> You can also visit my [ Tumblr ](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/)


	11. Chapter 10: Star of Bethlehem (Reconciliation)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Theo get married, Alex is finally forgiven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's another wrap! Can't believe I've published two multichaps and that so many people have stopped by to read them, I'm immensely grateful to each one of you <3 
> 
> I hope this satisfies your expectations for this story <3 
> 
> Enjoy <3

When Aaron and Theodosia said their ‘I do’s’ Alexander did not cry. No because that would be embarrassing for one and secondly because it was not like he had any reason to take pride in his friends’ wedding. (He totally cried because when he met Aaron, the guy was not able to express any emotion at all. Now with Theo he had learnt that listening to your heart was as much as important than listening to your head and Alex was ridiculously proud of him for that.)

It was the first wedding he attended since his own didn’t happen. It was a bit awkward, considering that at least a dozen people here should have been there last May. He could still feel a few looks on him, he could hear some of them whispered and he snickered. _Let them come say what they have to say to my face!_ He thought. He was aware of the rumors. They said that he cheated on Eliza, that she was a cover for him because he was actually gay. Was bisexuality such a hard concept for them to grasp? Besides, he had never hiden his sexual orientation to any official Senator Schuyler had introduced him to. But apparently, being bi is only acceptable if you’re dating a woman. Or maybe they thought it was just an eccentricity from his part? Whatever it was, he had to remind himself that he was Aaron’s best man and that causing a scene was not among his duties. Well, he would just have to make a post on his blog during the next week.

Because yes he was back! He wouldn’t go as far as saying he was happy but at least he was no longer miserable and wallowing in self-pity. He still worked more hours than necessary but he would come back to his place at a reasonable time – well more like acceptable. He refused to call it home though. He had devoted some time to volunteer at a youth center and had helped as much as he could with the wedding preparations. He was trying to be a good friend.

Therefore he wrote an absolute piece of art for his best man’s speech. He made everyone laughed with his imitation of Burr’s famous _‘talk less, smile more’_ face – he had been working on it since freshman year. He didn’t forget to mention the brownies’ episode because he knew Burr liked that anecdote (probably for the same reasons it was mortifying to him). When he was done, Theodosia was laughing hard and Burr was pretending to be mad at him. Mission accomplished then.

They had their first dance to a Tina Turner song Alex didn’t know. He was watching them fondly. They looked so happy. Would he and Eliza have looked like that? He couldn’t help but wonder. He had thought so once. Yet the more he thought about it, the less convinced he was. He had loved her, no doubt. But maybe they had both tried too hard to fit into a mold neither of them had wanted in the first place. As for John… Well Alex was starting to realize he had a lot of feelings about him. Those were probably there for a while but he hadn’t been able to see them until too late.

He was reminiscing so much that he didn’t react when Eliza actually appeared in front of him, wait _what?_

“Hi Alex,” she said, a bit sheepish.

“Hey,” he said lamely.

“Nice speech,” she smiled.

“Uh? Oh thanks.” He needed to get out. Maybe he could fake a seizure or an allergic reaction, that was the only way to escape with salvaging a little of his dignity. But that would ruin Burr’s wedding. A part of his brain whispered that it would be payback for inviting Eliza and not telling him. God who else was here that he didn’t know and didn’t want to see?

“Relax Alex,” Eliza laughed. “I’m not gonna hit you or anything.”

“Ok,” Alex replied, not totally convinced. It was not like he didn’t deserve it.

“Look let’s cut to the chase ok? I don’t wanna fight. I got your letter last October and I know it was five months ago but I want you to know that I forgive you. You probably could have handled the whole thing better but you were right to be honest before the wedding.”

“You forgive me?”

“I mean there’s still a lot we should talk about and I’m not saying that everything is forgotten but essentially… Yeah mostly…”

Alexander exhaled a relief sight and without a second thought he hugged her. He would have pulled back immediately if not for the fact that she hugged him back and giggled against his ear. And he had missed that sound and he had missed _her_ and he was so _relieved_ to know that she forgave him. She was the one to pull back.

“My girlfriend is gonna get suspicious,” she winked.

“Girlfriend?” he repeated.

She nodded beaming. Whoever that girl was, Alexander loved her already for putting that smile on Betsey’s face.

“She’s over there at the table,” she pointed. The girl in question had blond hair and blue eyes. She was probably taller than him, even without her heels. She was wearing a very elegant dress that Alexander had no doubt was Hercules’ work. And she was talking to John. _Shit._

The panic must have shown on his face because Eliza quietly said, “It wouldn’t have been fair to either of us to go through with the wedding when you’re in love with him.”

For the second time, Alexander wanted to run away from this conversation for very different reasons. He didn’t know if he was in love with John, or more exactly he wasn’t sure. But he sure as hell didn’t want to discuss that with Eliza! Actually, he would rather not talk about it to anyone at all, thank you very much. He groaned.

“I’m just saying,” Eliza kept talking. “I like him. I understand why you do too.”

Alexander drowned down the rest of his champagne. He needed another four glasses before he was ready for that conversation. Eliza saw it and laughed.

“Such a child,” she sighed fondly. “Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dance with Anna.” He didn’t miss what she didn’t say. _I’m gonna free John so that you can go talk to him._

“Best of women,” he murmured and she smiled.

“Goodbye Alex.”

She walked toward her table and said something in her girlfriend’s ear. The two promptly left John alone to join the dance floor. It didn’t take long for him to find Alex who had been unable to look away from him. They locked eyes. Alex felt himself shrink, remembering all the things John had said to him. And he had deserved every single one of them. How could he now claim that he missed him? That he wanted him back?

John gave him the tiniest nod accompanied by the tiniest smile. That was all Alexander needed to gather the courage to walk toward the table.

“Hi,” he said shyly.

“Hi,” John said. He gestured for Alex to sit on the chair in front of him. “That speech was… something.”

“Thank you,” Alex smiled. He decided to wait a bit, see if John had something to say. In the wildest part of his heart, John would say that he forgave him and wanted to give them a try; Alex knew better than to hope though. Eliza had moved on and chances were that John had too. That would probably crush him more than he was willing to admit but should that be the case, he’d do what John did. Step back and be a good friend. That was, if John would even allow him that title again. Seeing as the other man wasn’t going to talk again, Alex decided to treat carefully.

“How are you doing? How is work?” he asked.

“I’m ok. Work is fine, last winter was more clement than the one before.” He responded. “To be honest I’m still wondering why I was invited…”

“Probably because Aaron and Theo wanted us to talk?” Alex saw no point in denying the obvious.

“Yeah I figured,” John said shakily.

“And yet you came,” Alex pointed out, something like hope flickering in his chest.

“I did,” John whispered.

“Look John,” Alex began, “how about you and I have a real conversation this time? None of us doing all the talking, none of us deciding for the other? A real, honest conversation…”

“Are we breaking up or whatever again?” John tried to joke.

“Hopefully not,” Alex replied. He was looking at John directly in the eyes. _Por Dios_ the guy was so attractive it was unfair. John Laurens in a tux was a weakness of his, he knew and the one he was currently wearing was no exception.

“Ok, ok. Let’s try,” John smiled tentatively. “I didn’t read the letter you sent.” He admitted. “I couldn’t open the envelope. I stare at it every day but I can’t bring myself to open it. I’m scared.”

“Why?” Alex asked, taken aback.

“Because your letters are my kryptonite. The only way I would say no to you is if I’m furious and I had time to calm down so… yeah…”

“Alright,” Alexander said slowly. “Do you want to know what it said?”

John shrugged. “Not really? I’m sorry it’s just, I’d rather we say what we have to say openly.”

“As you wish,” Alex replied. “Do you wanna start?”

“No,” John answered honestly.

“Ok, so… Basically I want to know if… if there’s a slight change that you might forgive me in the future, may it be tomorrow or in ten years. What I did… I know I fucked up, I know I hurt you two but I can’t bring myself to regret it. Not doing so would have been wrong and dishonest but that’s not an excuse. Still I’m terribly sorry for all the pain I have caused you and Eliza. You two deserve everything and more. And…”

He hesitated.

“Go on,” John said.

“And if you do forgive me at some point, I just want to say that I miss you and that I would love to be a part of your life again, however small. Not talking to you… it’s hard and I don’t wanna lose you again.” Alex ducked his head down. He heard John take a deep breath.

“Look at me Alexander,” it was a gentle command to which Alex immediately obliged. John’s eyes were shining.

“I may have not read that letter, but I have forgiven you already. Or I think I have. And I do want you to be in my life because you’re right it feels wrong when you’re not… It’s just that… It hurts ok? It hurts still and it had hurt so for now… How about we take things step by step? Friends?”

“Always,” Alexander breathed out. He felt a tear rolling down his cheek. Damn this was difficult. But he was forgiven so that was something right? Both John and Eliza forgave him! That was far more that he could have hoped. He could literally feel the worries leaving his bones. Not the guilt though, this would probably always be there but he could learn to live with it. He could carry it like a reminder to _never screw up like this again._

He and John were now smiling at each other. It was a little awkward but Alex had no doubt they could get past it. Friends, John had said. Yeah they could be friends, Alex thought. What would come out of it was theirs to determine and to explore. Suddenly he was excited. He was John Laurens’ friend again, he wanted to start now! Start what, he wasn’t sure but his train of thoughts was interrupted when John groaned at the next song.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” he muttered and wait was he blushing? Alex didn’t understand until he listened to the song a bit more carefully and realized which song it was. Their prom song, the one they had kissed to in their high school gymnasium. Alex remembered it like it was yesterday. The stupid cheesy theme – _Magic under the stars,_ seriously? – and the Disney playlist that Kitty Livingston had insisted on. Dancing in John’s arms as _Can you feel the love tonight_ was playing, whispering words of love to one another with no care in the world.

“Is Burr doing that on purpose?” John asked.

“I don’t think he knows,” Alex answered, chuckling at his indignant expression. “Believe it or not this is a total coincidence.”

John made an outraged sound and it took everything in Alexander not to ask him to dance with him. He knew it was too soon and he would be a damn fool to do anything to ruin the small peace between him and John. Still, this was their song and John was right there in front of him.

Timidly, he brushed his fingers next to John’s on the table. John looked up to him and glanced down at their hands. He slowly intertwined their fingers before looking back into Alexander’s eyes. Alex smiled.

John didn’t let go of his hand when the song ended.

 

*

 

They weren’t dating. John had insisted on that. They were spending time together, coming from an awkward friendship to a strong bond again. Lafayette and Hercules didn’t understand. They had tried to dissuade him at first and their forgiveness had been harder for Alex to obtain than John’s or Eliza’s. He got it eventually though John suspected it was more because his friends could see that he made him happy. Because he really was. Being friends again was thrilling. It shouldn’t be, they weren’t doing anything crazy. They mostly were having lunch, sometimes drinks with or without Hercules and Laf. John was still meeting Eliza once a week for coffee. She was the one who told him that Angelica was pregnant, all excited for her sister. And when Anna asked her to move in in her apartment, she was literally glowing. Peggy and Sally were doing well too. In fact, he had seen Sally suspiciously looking at rings at the jewelry store on more than one occasion. His father was calling him about once a month and his siblings always sent him memes that he mostly didn’t understand.

Life was good, life was bright.

He knew he was still in love with Alexander and if he knew the other man, he knew Alexander was also in love with him. But Alexander was very carefully to respect the boundaries they had set. He was letting John decide and for that John was grateful. He was still not ready for them to be in a relationship yet.

So they weren’t dating but they were definitely not just friends. It reminded John of the electricity in the air in the weeks before their first kiss in high school. He knew it was only a matter of time and he was satisfied with it.

The status quo came to an end on a hot August afternoon. Alexander had invited himself at John’s and was playing with Marvin. The dog loved him which did things to John that definitely didn’t help the whole ‘we’re just friends’ situation. Alex was sitting on the floor, scratching the husky behind his ears. Since he had read somewhere that pet had to be treated like human, he had decided to explain to him the story of his namesake. The dog must have shared with the robot his inability to listen to humans because he quickly decided that a nap was in order and went to the bedroom.

Alex pouted.

“ _!Carajo!_ This is a scandal!” he exclaimed, getting up.

“Don’t swear in front of my dog!” Alexander pouted. “You’re ridiculous,” John chuckled. “Why am I in love with you?”

_Oh._ Alex was looking back at him and slowly joined him on the couch. They weren’t quite touching but they were still closer than socially acceptable. John couldn’t give a fuck.

“I’m asking myself the same question everyday,” Alex admitted. His voice was tainted with shame and guilt.

John put his hand under his chin to force the other man to look at him. Then he leaned in and kissed him sweetly. Alex responded immediately to the kiss, like he had been waiting for John to do that for months. And he had.

“Doesn’t matter why,” John murmured. “I do.”

“I love you too,” Alex ushered, like he was scared John would decide to keep being just friends. But instead, John pulled him in his lap and said _good!_ before surging in for another kiss. This one was already more heated. It had been _months, years_ since he’d wanted to do that. The other one was both familiar and new. Somewhere in John’s mind, a voice that had been there since high school told him that kissing Alexander Hamilton would never get old.

“Do you kiss all your friends like that Laurens?” Alexander asked, breathless when they eventually parted.

“Only when they send me flowers,” John smirked. “And those I kinda want to marry someday…” he added.

“Good to know,” Alex replied and dived back in.

 

It would take years before the two of them stood at the altar, peonies decorating their buttonhole and matching silver bands on their fingers. But it didn’t matter right then. They were together again, after all those years. They were ready to face all the challenges that would come with this new relationship – and there would be many. They were in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to drop a kudo or a comment to make a sick girl very happy! 
> 
> I didn't planned on turning this into a serie but a few of you asked for the letters Alex have writen to John and Eliza so who knows? I might write them sometime. That being said, I have now fully drafted my next multichap (what? another one?) but I really don't know how much time it'll be until published since I have to write it enterely before doing that. I'm also posting a fluffy and furry one-shot this Friday as part of my Always hopeful serie for those interested! <3 
> 
> And finally, if you wanna chat or send headcanons or prompt, my [ Tumblr ](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/) is always open <3

**Author's Note:**

> I need your kudos and comment like I need oxygen. Actually, that's not true, I can live without oxygen! 
> 
> Come speak with me on [ my Tumblr ](http://i-dreamthedream.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Lots of love <3


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